


Catch Me

by InkyEcho



Series: Catch [kevedd] [1]
Category: Ed Edd n Eddy
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Bullies, Cross-Posted on Wattpad, Depression, Drama, Friendship, Gen, High School, How Do I Tag, I'm so sorry, It starts at the end if you squint, KevEdd - Freeform, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, My First Work in This Fandom, Please Be careful, Pre-Slash, Sad, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, The Author Regrets Everything, Violence, at least two chapters of in depth self harming, kind of, reverse!edd - Freeform, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-02
Updated: 2017-08-23
Packaged: 2018-09-14 05:37:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 27
Words: 30,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9164461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InkyEcho/pseuds/InkyEcho
Summary: After his first semester of sophomore, Eddward found himself low - very low. He was a shadow. He wasn't him anymore.But when someone finally notices, things change.Although sometimes things get worse before they get better.[ Eddwards world is falling apart, and a certain ginger might just be the key to keeping it together. ]--Be aware of possibly 'triggering' chapters. Warning will be placed.This is the first thing I ever wrote. It kind of sucks, but whatever.





	1. Eddward Vincent

**Author's Note:**

> Salutations. I would like to stress that there will be triggering events in this book regarding mental illness and the side effects/actions caused by it. So please be careful. I will put warnings on chapters that may cause distress.
> 
> Such events have been taken from my own personal experiences with the subjects, and I ask you to not look at this as romanticizing such things. I wish people to understand and to feel things like empathy. So please be kind and take what I write to heart.
> 
> \---
> 
> Also, please know that although I have re-written parts of this book later on, this has been the first book I have ever written - let alone published. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Salutations. This is the first fiction work I've ever written. Truthfully, I only chose this fandom because I grew up with it. You know, I had a basic (shitty) plot and all I needed was a fandom.

Things had never gone especially well for Eddward, between the constant bullying, absent parents, and everything that happened inside his head. Throughout the entirety of middle school, freshman and sophomore of high school, Eddward, along with his two friends Ed and Eddy - the Ed's, as they were commonly called - had been on the receiving end of constant physical and mental torment. 

To begin with, it was probably their fault. When they were children, they caused a relatively big mount of trouble to the rest of the kids in their street. Well, Eddy did. The other two were simply roped into it.  Although the three were usually targeted together, Eddward was targeted the most. Eddy always had a little fight in him, and Ed was so large it was harder to harm him. Edd however, was against causing physical harm all together, even if it meant allowing the bullies to hurt him in every way possible. Although even if he tried to fight back, there was no chance to escape.

Things dulled down after starting their junior year of high school, for Ed and Eddy at least. Time took its toll, as time sometimes did, and the three drifted apart. Ed joined the school's baseball team after finally discovering he had a talent for it after years of hitting things with sticks and planks of wood. That earned him a place at the sports group – as well as a higher reputation. Eddy became less obnoxious, and began flying under the radar all together. Although most people knew he was only chilled put because he was high most of the time. 

Eddward however - or as he was known back then, Double D - with his excellent brains and small scrawny exterior, never disappeared from the bullies sights. He still went through his day-to-day life as though nothing had changed. Because for him, the only difference from then and now was his surrounding, and further lack of friends. If anything changed inside his head, he didn't notice it. His parents, both successful doctors, continued to spend little time at home, constantly travelling for work. They mainly communicated with their sole son through rare sticky notes left on the counter and even rarer phone calls. But they were usually just to tell him they would not be home any time soon. Or not to forget his chores. 

Eddward Vincent, was alone, now more than ever.

***

Eddward opened his eyes as the shrill sound of his morning alarm. Groaning as he swung his legs over the side of his bed, he stares blankly at the wall as he pulls off his pyjama top, then bottoms. He grimaced a little as he pulls on his black jeans, red shirt and grey jacket over his pale skin. He pushed the sleeves to him elbows as he pulled up his bed covers. He turns around and grabs his signature black beanie decorated with two white stripes up either side from his night stand and pulled it over his hair. 

Eddward's obsessive compulsive tendencies had died over time, although he still preferred things to be orderly and tidy. It helped calm him. He walked down the stairs to the kitchen, taking an apple from the counter and sitting on a stool. He took only a few bites of the apple before standing up and discarding it into the waste. Eddward almost never ate these days. He didn't have much of an appetite. He walked back upstairs to his room, grabbed his books and slipped them into his satchel bag. He slid his hand under his hat as he moved back to the front door, running his fingers through his hair before kneeling down and slipping on his shoes. Standing up, Eddward stopped and turned, looking at the hallway mirror handing adjacent to the door.

The boy who looked back was small; clothing draped over a weightless, slender body, bags under his eyes contrasting pale, porcelain like skin, blue eyes, hollow and emotionless, and ghostly white arms covered in raised lines.

 _What a hideous sight_ , Eddward thought to himself. 

He pulled his sleeves down and walked out the door, locking it behind him. 

Eddward had lived in the cul-de-sac for a long time, moving there before starting school. He had had many 'friends' there to begin with; Rolf, Johnny, Nazz, Jimmy, Ed and Eddy, and Kevin. Kevin Barr lived almost straight across from Eddward's corner house and was, in the past, one of his worst tormentors. In those days, before the end of their middle school years, Kevin would mess with the three Ed's, along with some of the other boys in the neighbourhood. However in those days, there was little physical violence. The only visual injuries to show back then were bruises, few and far apart from 'accidental' collisions in the halls. It was just childish nonsense back then.

After his first semester of sophomore, Eddward found himself low - _very_ low _._ And as a result, he began to close himself off. His bright blue eyes lost their shine, his tooth gaped smile disappeared behind pale lips and his already naturally skinny body showing less weight than ever before.

But the worst thing of all – the worst thing that _anyone_ could have thought to be a possibility – was the appearance of thin raised lines carved into the skin of his arms, hidden under sleeves and behind the wall he'd built himself.

He was a shadow now. He wasn't _him_. He was different, in both mind and body.


	2. Hallway to Hell

Eddward arrived at school the same time he always did. He walked into the hallway towards his locker, keeping his head down, trying to slip through shadows. Placing his combination into his locker, he placed his books inside and was about to close the door when a voice sounded, sending the cold chill of arrogance and ego through the halls.

"You shoulda seen it man." Now, Eddward wasn't sure _exactly_ who had said it, but the cockiness of the voices accompanying it was unmistakable. _  
_

Eddward's stomach curled.

Like most high schools, Peach Creek High had an unspoken hierarchy amongst its students. The bottom of the hypothetical food chain was the 'drugy' kids, who smoked pot in the bathrooms and things of the sort. Next were the nerdy ones, who spent most of their time studying and topping their classes. At the top of the ladder was the jocks. The ones who had the top athletic abilities, whether that be in the baseball field or the football one. There were others too, obviously. The ones that didn't fit into any of the categories. They kind of just filtered in with the rest of them with little trouble.

Eddward was labelled along with the rest of them the moment he entered the school. The problem was, was that it was near impossible to remove a label once it was given to you. Eddward was a nerd. And a weak one at that.

The group making their way down the hall towards him now were some of the people Eddward tried to avoid most. In truth, there were a lot of people he tried to stay away from. But some of them never really went out of there way to bother him. A dirty blond haired boy named Tyler McMeral was in the midst of the group. He wasn't sure why he remembered his name over the others. After all, he barely ever touched him. But maybe that was why. 

It was Tyler's hand that came crashing into the locker next to Eddward's head, sending echoes though his ears and making him flinched. He expected it, but it didn't scare him any less. Tyler looked at him, but didn't say a word. Eddward looked at his feet as his chest stuttered. 

"Did ya think you could hide, dork?" 

Eddward looked up again, meeting the eyes of a white-blond haired boy with crooked teeth. His name might have been Jimmy. Of course, he wasn't sure.

Someone else, a boy with a shaved head and a crooked nose, grabbed his shoulder and spun him around. He grabbed the neck of his shirt, forcing him on his toes with his strength.

His heart stuttered and his skin crawled. The fabric of his shirt was cutting into the back of his neck, threatening to leave marks.

"I was just grabbing my books. I w-wouldn't try to hide," he gasped. 

"Well, if you ain't hiding from us, that means we aren't doing our job." The boy holding him smirked sending shivers down his spine. Eddward thought his name was Johnny, or something.

 _Johnny,_ pulled him forward and slammed him back into the lockers with enough force to rock his skull back. He gasped again, the air in his lungs rushing out upon impact. A few of the boys laughed lowly as Eddward slide down the lockers to the ground. A swift kick to the ribs from someone and they were gone, leaving him on the floor of the hallway, gasping for air.

 _Pathetic thing._

As soon as they were out of sight, he pulled himself us and carried himself to the bathrooms at the far end of the school. Nobody used them much in the mornings. Well, nobody used them much any time of the day. One of the lights was flickering when he pushed the door open. It had been doing that for the past week, but nobody had fixed it yet. Not like it mattered. His back hurt with a numb pain as he moved towards the sinks, dumping his bag at his feet. He ignored the face looking back at him in the mirror as he pulled down the neckline of his shirt. The skin was raw and chaffed. The back of his neck hurt more though, where the fabric bug into his skin more. He wondered if it'd bruise. His skin became blue and purple quiet easily.

_Weak._

He ran his hand over the back of his head, slipping his fingers under his hat. Wincing, he closed his eyes. He felt so weak.

When the bell rang, he jerked his head enough to make it hurt again. Sluggishly, he picked up his bag and left the bathroom. 

The hallway was a teenage highway the moment he opened the door, in an overwhelming mess of unconstrained hormones and overused perfume. Eddward stumbles around, being nudged and thrown around as though he weighted nothing. His skin itched and crawled with the closeness, like it always did. He collides with someone's shoulder at a wrong angle and tumbles towards the ground, unable to catch himself. An arm curled around his stomach though, catching him just in time.

"You alright, dork?" _  
_

His heart stuttered and his skin pricked at the sudden connection to some else. He didn't look up as his fingers twitched. He could see the red sleeves of the school's letterman jacket, and it was enough to add to his anxiety. "Y-yeah." He hastily steadied himself, pulling at his sleeves.

"Alright. Just be careful, yeah?" _  
_

Wait, he _knew_ that voice. More than the others. A voice that didn't bring poison butterflies and lightening. In a sudden act of impulse, his eyes darted up.

Freckles on tanned skin. Messy ginger hair. A red cap.

He hadn't spoken to the boy for a long time. Well, it definitely _felt_ like a long time. It wasn't like it mattered how long it was though, but either way, he knew him. He was someone he didn't fear. So he just watched the boy's back as he disappeared, reading the words _Barr_ written on the back of his letterman as he did.

He pushed any arising thoughts to the back of his mind and made his way through the sea of people.

 

Eddward was safe from most harm in most of his advanced classes, but that never lasted long. The teacher lectured about revolutionary war to the class but he wasn't really interested. He sighed deeply and winced as the teacher, Ms. Holl, brought her ruler down onto the desk right next to Eddward's hand. She was a tall and shin lady, with a crude temperamental that made people wonder why she ever decided to work with kids.

"Is my lesson boring you, Mister Vincent? Perhaps I can make it a little more interesting for you with lunch time detention, hmm?" Eddward's eyes darted up, moisture threatening to build in his eyes as his throat suddenly constricted, like it always did when he became anxious.

"No Ms. Holl. I'm sorry," he breathed out. 

_Stupid. Idiot boy.  
_

Eddward's thoughts and pulse danced. He noted the teacher's stare, wondering if she was thinking horrid things towards him too. 

"Don't let it happen again Mister Vincent, or you will surely regret it. I expected more from you." Ms. Holl glared down over her nose. Eddward nodded meekly and looked back at his note book. Snickers filled the room behind him.

"Nice goin' dumbass," someone said from behind him. He wasn't really sure who, very less cared. Words were just words now, especially when there were worse things inside his head.


	3. Cheerleaders, Jocks, and Dorks

When the day finally finished, Edward found himself walking across the football field on his way home. His mind was a little fuzzy still  after both the morning's incident, and the classroom mishap.

Sometimes he would indulge himself with the thoughts of what things were like when he still had Ed and Eddy around him. As the three were inseparable, they walked home together almost every day. Less the days Eddy would try once more to steal jawbreakers from Kevin, or something of the like. He missed those days, but then he thought how happy they probably were without him. Those thoughts often clung to him like gum on his shoe. Unwanted and hard to ignore.

"Oi dork!" Yelling filled his ears, dragging him from his thoughts. He was almost off the field. In a second his heart beat up into his throat. He turned, and after meeting eyes with someone he'd rather not have meet eyes with, he felt his body jolt in the direction of an escape. But it was futile.

He was too slow. Too weak.

Fingers curled around the back of the hood of his jacket, pulling him back in a pile of limbs and grunts. Tumbling to the ground, he grasped at his neck, chocked by his collar twice in one day. It did nothing for the bruises around his skin that would now _definitely_ appear.

"That's don't look comfortable don't there, buddy. How is it?" The voice dripped with sarcasm like a waterfall.

Eddward opted not to answer him. He wasn't really sure who was speaking anyway. He never really had time to see exactly who was rearing their ugly head to hurt him each time. He pushed himself onto his hands and knees, feeling the harsh dirt pressing into his palms.

"He asked you somethin', dork." That was Tyler speaking this time. He knew that, but he still stayed quiet.

There was a harsh pain in his stomach, where a foot suddenly connected. He was back on his side in an instant, the dirt pressing into his cheek instead. The breathe in his lungs rushed out faster that the last time, and he gasped painfully. The foot it was connected with his stomach another time. Then another. He wasn't really sure how many times it was, but given the increasing ringing passing through his ears, it was enough.

And then just as soon as it had started, it ended. There was still ringing in his ears, and his sides hurt. As soon as he could hear, murmuring filled his space.

"Coach should be here in a minute with the rest of the team. We should split." Something else followed that, but he didn't hear it properly. Something about running more laps if they were late. His eyes were open a fraction as he stayed against the dirt, and he watched them leave together. He thought he saw Tyler look back at his for a moment, but he was probably mistaken.

The first time Eddward was ever left incapacitated from injuries, he had spent three lessons stuck in the janitorial closet with a bloody lip and a headache. Luckily this wasn't one of those times.

Gasping slightly he hauled himself up, grabbed his discarded bag and left. He tried to ignore the ache he felt with every move.

_You're damn weak.  
_

The walk home felt like it took a long time. But maybe the pain clouding his brain was messing with his perception of time. The sound of footsteps on the cement path didn't even enter Eddward's ears until the the one creating them was basically beside him.

"Hey, Dee." The words made him jump however no threat could be heard in the words. It was more the sudden sound than anything. Turning his head slightly, Eddward saw who the boy was _._

Kevin. Of course.

"You okay?" Kevin said, rubbing his neck awkwardly.It almost sounded like he didn't know. But his awkward actions contradicted that.

"I am fine," Eddward murmured, clutching tighter at his bag strap. He moved a little faster.

Kevin kept his pace.

"You sure?" It was softer this time.

Eddward didn't answer that. He wasn't really sure what more to say.

"Do you always pretend nothing happened?" Still quiet. Gentle. "Does it happen often?"

He faltered. Was he pretending? Or was he just in such a state that he repressed it all without meaning too. "It doesn't matter, Kevin. It's nothing to you." He wasn't quite sure if what Kevin was referring too was the events that morning or that afternoon. He'd rather it be the first.

Kevin sighed, watching the other boy tug at his beanie. His heart was doing something odd as he watched him look so _blank._ Like he was dead. "Look. I'm gonna be straight with you, Dee. I know I cant really talk coz of how much of a douche I was in the past-"

"You weren't that bad." Eddward felt the need to disagree. He wasn't really sure why.

"I was. I know that," he sighed. "But uh..." He wasn't really sure what to say. or how to word what was going through his head. "I didn't get to talk to you when I caught you in the hall, but-uh...one of the boys on the team...was sayin' stuff about you in class and...Did they-"

"Everything is well, Kevin. Everything if fine," Eddward rushed out coldly, although his insides were knotted up in anxiety. He could feel his heartbeat back in his throat. Maybe that was why he was having trouble breathing.

The two had reached the cul-de-sac by the time Kevin had gotten over the momentary shock of how cold the smaller boy's voice was. He opened his mouth, but Eddward started to walk towards his own home. In a sudden action, Kevin reached out and grabbed his forearm. "Edd-"

Eddward gasped at the pressure on his skin. The lines under his sleeves were burning under the touch.

"Eddward," Kevin said his name again. "Look, man. I saw. This morning. But you were already gone when I got there. I didn't know it was that bad!" His sudden voice rise startled Eddward to a degree. "I said it, I know I was a douche to you and and the other dorks. But we still grew up together and we talked sometimes and-" He stopped. Breathed out and looked back at Eddward's face. It was blank, but there was something in his eyes. "We noticed when shit got shitter for you. When the others left ya. And we should've _done_ something. But we didn't. This is gettin' outta hand though, isn't it?" His voice was almost desperate, and the expression he help was one Eddward was sure he'd never seen before.

Eddward studied his face, watching the way the ginger's eyes observed his own, searching for the answers to his questions, both spoken and not. Kevin's hand twitched against his arm, and the other visibly winced. His blank expression broke for only a second, but it was enough. The ginger let go of this arm like it was hot to the touch.

"Jesus fuck, Dee. What did they do?"

Eddward was almost relieved that he had come to the conclusion it was an injury from someone else, not his own doing. He didn't address it, though.

"Kevin, what you did in the past is exactly that. It's in the past. So please do not feel that you need to do something to make up for it. I am fine. Everything is fine. I am not worth your worry. Nor any damage between the relationships of you and the team. So leave it. I am fine. I am not worth whatever you think I am."

Kevin didn't even have time to reply to the words spilling from the other's mouth before Eddward was gone. It was like he was never even there.

"Shit," he muttered, wiping a hand over his mouth.

 

Eddward closed the door behind him, removed his shoes and walked down up the stairs to his room. Discarding his bag he walked to his bed and fell onto his back. The house seemed to echo around him, his thoughts bouncing off the walls and back into his head. Everything was quiet, and the loneliness was suddenly overwhelming. _Everything_ felt too overwhelming. Eddward sat in his own thoughts from a while in silence until a choked cry came from his half open mouth. Tears fell from the corner of his eyes, running down his hollow cheeks. He put a hand to his mouth, trying to stifle the horrid noise coming from his throat, but it did nothing. He rolled over onto his side and dropped into sleep.

 

Kevin went for a walk a little before midnight, the cold air making him shove his hands in his pockets. He had texted Nazz, one of his best friends, to meet him at the park around the corner.

"Hey dude, whats up? You said you needed to talk about Double Dee?" asked Nazz, as she sat on a park bench. Her blonde hair moved in the breeze. Kevin stood there for a second before joining her, their shoulders touching.

"Um, yeah. I uh...I spoke to him this afternoon, after hearin' the team talk about him like they did. I thought it might be nothin', you know just the boys being jackasses like normal."

"What happened?" she spoke quieter now, brows knitted as she listened.

Kevin relayed what had occurred as best he could, less the reaction he had had to touch. He didn't really see that a vital thing.

"Shit," Nazz muttered, looking down at her knees.

"He said he wasn't worth the worry."

The two sat there in silence for a while.

Nazz spoke first. "Something's wrong with him already. S'just gonna get worse." It was a blunt statement, and it caught him almost off guard.

"What's wrong with him?"

"He's depressed. I figured he had anxiety or something when we were kids. Don't need a diagnosis to have it."

"I know. I just...I don't know how we can help. I mean...just..." He couldn't find his words. "He just looked so _dead._ "

"So what do we do?"

"I don't know. Just...try and get back in his life?"

"Yeah."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The re-write of this was almost 500 words more than the original. Holy crapazoid.


	4. Behind Long Sleeves

Eddward never really noticed how entirely tedious his mornings were until there was no longer anyone there to got though it with. It had always been the same thing ever since he was a child, and because of that it felt almost normal to have nearly no variety in it. Then Ed and Eddy came along, and it didn't matter if things rarely changed. Because they were always there on the other side of the door when the house felt too empty.

But when they left him, everything went back to feeling like a broken record.

School was the same way. Every class was nothing more than a distraction, and most times it was barely even that. Like all the other days, he was left in the halls after the last bell rang. He sluggishly emptied his locker.

"Oh hey, look who it is."

His head shot up at the remark, and his body instantly stiffened. There were two boys walking towards him, their menacing eyes zoning in on him. The one on the left had his hands shoved in his pockets, while the other was stretching his arms over his chest. It looked kind of off, Eddward thought. But it was still intimidating to him. He took one step back, bracing himself for _something_ , and then-

"Hey Dee, you get a sec?"

_Kevin? Again?_

"Of course, Kevin. What is it?" Eddward  swallowed, forcing out something that didn't sound so weak.

_But you are weak, Eddward.  
_

He ignored himself.

"I was wondering if you could help me with some studying. God, knows I'm shit at math".

The boy who was stretching his arms looked at him like he had two heads. "Wait, you the dork's friend?"

"Yeah, we basically grew up together. Gotta problem with that?" retorted Kevin, voice calm. Eddward was sure his eyebrow twitched, though. "What's the big deal, Thomson?"

"Nothin' man." The boy with his hands shoved in his pocket looked at the other, face hesitant. 

"Cool." Kevin smiled, falseness quite evident. "See ya later then." He nodded at the other boy before looking back at Eddward. "You too, Keller."

"Fine. See ya later, Barr,"  Thompson murmured before turning on his heal and walking away. The other boy, Keller, followed quick on his toes. He looked back at them for a second, almost apologetically.

Eddward stared at Kevin's profile for a moment, looking away the instant those damned green eyes looked back at him. He dropped his head to busy himself with the strap of his bag. 

"Hey, you alright?"

Eddward wondered why Kevin seemed to be so persistent. A large part of him expected him to not come near him after the previous afternoon.

He nodded blankly. "Thank you."

The ginger scratched his neck with a lopsided smile. "Meet me and Nazz outside in a few when you're done here. I gotta meet Nazz from cheer leading. Walk home with us."

It wasn't a question, yet it didn't feel like he was suffocating. So he nodded again.

"Cool. See ya in a sec, then."

He watched Kevin leave, looking at the way his shoulders moved as he walked like he was observing an odd specimen. He didn't mean to be clinical or over logical about it, but he still couldn't help but wonder if there was an ulterior motive to the ginger's actions. He pushed it to the back of his mind along with the door of his locker.

Neither Nazz nor Kevin were in sight when he exited the front doors. The two boys from before were though, along with Tyler. Thompson looked at him. His eyes made Eddward's skin crawl a little. 

"Get ditched, huh loser?"

Was he? It wouldn't surprise him, really.

"Hey Double Dee!" His eyes fell on the blonde and the ginger. "Kevin had to get me from practice. Sorry!" she smiled sweetly. 

"S'okay," he hesitated, looking back at the other two boys for a moment.

Nazz slung her arm around his neck. The instant contact made Eddward's skin prick, but he bit back a reaction as best he could. The movement of Kevin's brow was the only indication he had noticed. "Lets go, dude."

"Yeah come on, Dee," Kevin agreed, wiping away any visible worry.

The three of them walked past the others, Eddward situated between Kevin and Nazz. Tyler and the other two stared at them. Nazz shot them a glance over her shoulder along with a seemingly strained smile. One too sweet to be real. Kevin nodded at them before looking away.

They were almost half way to the cul de sac when Nazz spoke to him directly again. "Hey Dee, why don't we walk home together from now on? We live pretty much right next to each other." Nazz frowned a little. Her arm had migrated to link with Eddward's own.

Eddward stayed quiet, not knowing what to say. He shrugged.

Kevin stepped in front of the other two, ultimately stopping their movement. "Fuck Edd, do they always push you around like that?"

Nazz let go of Eddward's arm and stepped away. She sighed, exasperated. "Subtle, Kevin. Real subtle."

The ginger looked down at his toes, offering up a weak apology.

"Double Dee we need to talk." Nazz looked at Eddward, but made no step towards him. "Was thinking we'd do this later, but," she glared at Kevin again before breathing deeply. "Kev told me what happened yesterday in the hall."

Eddward looked up at her, barely even realising he was looking at his feet instead. He was too busy trying to press down the panic that was rising in his throat.

"We want to help," she said quietly.

"I told Kevin yesterday. I am fine." He hoped it sounded convincing, but instead it sounded forced. Robotic and rehearsed. 

"Double Dee, don't pretend." It was almost quieter than before. 

"Doesn't make you weak," Kevin added, watching him intently.

"T-That's not," his voice stuttered for only a second before he pushed it back. "Nothing happened yesterday. It was nothing."

"They why'd your arm hurt yesterday when I stopped you?" Kevin shot back, harsher than he had meant.

"What?" Nazz frowned. "How bad did they hurt you?" 

"I-It's fine," he swallowed. Panic rising. His skin itched and he pressed his nails into his fore arms through his sleeves. He barely noticed he was doing it. Blood was pulsing in his ears.

"Bullshit, Edd." Kevin almost never used his actual name, shortened or not. If he wasn't so concerned in keeping the volcano of emotions inside him from erupting, he might have noticed that. 

He pressed his fingers harder, body growing more ridged. His chest felt tight, and his ribs hurt.

"Eddward?" Nazz stepped forward one step.

He took one step back in reply. Breathing was getting harder, and his eyes felt wet.

"Double Dee?" She took another step, raising her hands. "Hey, hey, hey. _Breathe!"_

But he was breathing wasn't he? He was fine. There was no blood in his ears, no heart in his throat, no fire under his skin nor pain in his lungs. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was-

"Dee!" 

Why was Kevin standing so close to him? Why was he looking at him like that? 

"Hey," he murmured. Urgent, but quieter. Although that felt a little more intense that way. "Breathe. It's okay."

Was it okay? He wasn't sure.

He wasn't sure how long he stood there either. But suddenly he realised he was breathing again. The fire was still under his skin and there were knots in his stomach, but he could breathe again. He looked up from where his eyes had settled on Kevin's chest, and all he saw was green. Concerned, worried, green.

Eddward stepped back, tearing his eyes away from the other boy's. His fingers dug back into his arms as he stumbled. Kevin stepped forward again and held him by the shoulders. In an instant, he pressed his hands to the other's chest.

"You good?"

Eddward nodded again and stood back. He reached up and scratched at his neck, pulling at the collar of his shirt.

"Fuck, Dee." Kevin looked at him, eyes wide. Eddward frowned. "Your neck."

 _Oh._ So he had bruised after all. He looked away, fixing his collar again.

"And your wrist," Nazz murmured from beside him, eyeing where his sleeve rode up a little when he moved.

Kevin reached forward in an instant, fingers circling around his wrist. It wasn't tight -  just strong. But panic flared. His insides burned, his heart beat back into his throat, and he _panicked!_

"Let me look," Kevin murmured, fingers grazing the edge of his sleeve. 

"N-No, wait!"

You know that feeling you get when you realise you messed up? That moment where your entire world feels like it's falling apart beyond repair? Well, that feeling was running though Eddward's veins like lightening in a thunderstorm.

"Fuck," Kevin whispered, like the words had to be forced.

" _Eddward_ ," Nazz gasped. Her voice was broken, but not as broken as Eddward felt at that moment. 

Again, he couldn't breathe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This re-write was quite different as well. Originally, there was no panic attack involved. I felt it was too clumsy that way. This seems more realistic, I decided.
> 
> I wasn't too sure about writing this panic attack, though. Mine vary, and I don't always get these type of ones, so I wasn't too sure if I'd get it right.


	5. Dreams of the Broken

Eddward's parents didn't know the kinds of things that went through their own sons mind. But it wasn't like they were ever around long enough to have the chance to notice. He half preferred it that way, though. He'd rather not pose any more disappoint than he was sure he already had.

It was too much for Nazz and Kevin to understand. All they _could_ understand was that the boy before them, their _friend_ , was struggling more than either of them could have possible comprehended.

His skin was a canvas before their eyes, painted during late nights and amidst cold tears. Some lines were old, some new, some barely visible, and some only just starting to heal. 

"Eddward," Nazz murmured again, stepping forward and half pushing Kevin out of the way. The black haired boy kept his gaze on the ground, his chest moving up and down faster that normal. "Hey, hey, hey," she whispered, leaning forward and wrapping her hands around the taller boy's waist, pressing her face into his shoulder. "It's okay."

Eddward shuddered in her arms, and she pulled back slightly. His eyes were still downcast, glassy and ashamed. She pursed her lips.

"Let's get you home, yeah?" she whispered, pulling his lithe hands into her own from where they sat ridged, curled against his chest. Kevin stood near the two, a certain sadness mixing in his stomach.

Nobody talked during the last five or so minutes to Eddward's house. The air felt too cold to do so, too harsh and breakable. 

The overbearingly obvious emptiness of Eddward's home bombarded Nazz and Kevin as soon as they walked him though the front door. Everyone who had lived in the cu de sac knew the Mister and Mrs Vincent were never home. The driveway was always empty, and there was only ever one light on after dark. It was sad, really, but no one ever seemed to think about the impact such an absence might have on the lonely boy.

Eddward's room was the only place that really seemed lived in. Between the potted cactus on the window sill meticulously labelled _Jim,_ and the books stacked on the desk, it felt something like a home. It was almost clinical though, with most things too tidy and orderly.

To be honest to himself, Eddward kept the room like that in hopes that if his parents looked, they'd be proud of him for it.

It wasn't until the three of them sat on the bed, with Eddward in the middle, that he breathed out a breath too deep, and rested his face in his hands. He didn't cry that loud, but the shaking of his shoulder's created a higher tension that only tears could cause. Nazz acted first again, and pulled Eddward into her side. Before long, they were on their backs, and the quietly crying boy wrapped his hands around the fabric of Nazz's shirt. 

He fell asleep after a while. Or maybe he didn't. Either way he laid motionless and emotionless.

"Shit," Kevin breathed out, the first to speak since they entered the house.

They were at a loss. What do you do when someone you know broke the way Eddward just did? What do you do when someone once so happy and giddy with life now laid asleep after crying himself in an almost catatonic state? How do you fix someone so lonely?

"I never thought it was ever this bad," Nazz murmured, unwrapping herself from the other's grip. 

Kevin watched her wipe at her eyes with the back of her hands. "I didn't either. Didn't even notice the team were givin' him such a hard time." He stood up from his spot on the bed and walked a few steps before looking at the window. It was nearly dark outside. "I'm so fucking _blind._ " He sounded lost. Resentful towards himself. 

"No, Kev. _We're_ fucking blind. Both of us." She sounded just as hopeless.

"We should've noticed. Should've kept an eye on his after the other two dorks fucked him over. Ed didn't get it anyway, but fucking _Eddy!?_ Thought he was smarter that that."

"Can't change the past, Kev." He wasn't sure when she stood up too, but the hand she placed on his shoulder was reassuring. "All we can do is change the future."

"How?" He turned to her, but moved his gaze to Eddward, who rolled over to his side.

"Just stay with him," she whispered. "I'm gonna text mom. He shouldn't be alone tonight." 

That night, Eddward dreamed of darkness.

 

_No one cares, Eddward. So selfish to do such a thing! So weak! Look what you've done to you skin Eddward! Look at it! It's so selfish! No one cares!_

It was around midnight that he sat up in a rush of sweat and fear, heart beating too fast and eyes too wide.

"Shit, Dee," Kevin called out, scared by the sudden shout of terror that arose from the boy. He didn't have time to wonder what could have made him call out so loud he had heard it from the never-used guest room.

Nazz knelt beside him, arms hesitant to touch the shaking boy. His gasps shook his entire body, leaving his hands curling and uncurling and his eyes unfocused. 

"Shh, it's okay, Eddward. Shh." She was rubbing his back gently, still hesitant with her fingers. He suddenly tensed and thrashed, almost falling off the bed in an effort to escape something that could only be inside his dreams. "Breathe, Edd breathe. S'just a dream. You're okay, you're okay," she recited again and again, moving in front of him again. Her voice was gentle, motherly and sweet. "Kevin can you get a glass of water for me," she murmured, low and non-threatening. He nodded and left the room.

"-cares. No o-one car-cares. Selfish. Selfish," he murmured, broken and half delirious.

"We do, Eddward. We do."

Kevin walked back into the room with a glass of water and handed it to Nazz. He didn't say anything.

Nazz coaxed the water into Eddward the moment his eyes gained some clarity before laying him back down on the bed. He stared blankly at her the moment she moved to lay beside him. 

"I'm sorry," he whispered, hoarse and weak. 

"S'okay," she murmured back, mixing her fingers with his. His eyes closed, and she watched a few more tears track down his skin before doing the same.

Kevin didn't speak at all after that either, opting for a sad look to Nazz's back as he left the room, wishing he could have done more. He felt so blind. 

Eddward didn't stir again that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did originally have a dream segment, but it felt stupid and forced. Nightmares are hard to create with words, and never seem to portray the correct effect and emotions. Not to mention I mistakenly had Nazz hold him when he was barely awake. As someone who gets bad dreams periodically, and suffered horrendous night terrors in the past, I know that is not to be done.


	6. Tell Me Why

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a conversation regarding the reasons behind self harm. Please be careful and kind.

The house was always deadly quiet when Eddward woke up. He wasn't sure he could even remember the time he rose in the morning to distant chatter. To be honest, it threw him off more than he'd care to admit. But then his recollection of the previous day graced his memory. His heart skipped a beat and his stomach dropped. He debated staying in his room, ignoring the world all together, but he knew that was futile. 

Realising he was still dressed in his clothes from the previous day, he changed before heading down the stairs to the kitchen, where the sound of gentle talking was emanating from.

"Morning, Double Dee." Nazz smiled from the other side of the breakfast bar, like it was the most natural thing in the world. She gestured to the empty chair next to Kevin. "Take a seat."

"Morning Dee." The ginger smiled over a cup of coffee. His hat was off, and his hair was a mess of strands sticking up in different directions. He and Nazz had both changed, Eddward figuring they'd gone back home before he woke up.

"G-Good morning," Eddward said, stumbling over the words as they slipped over his lips. It still felt all too odd. 

"Hope you don't mind that I used your kitchen."

Eddward shook his head in dismissal. He was the only one who had used it in quite a while, anyway.

"Will you eat something?"

"No thank you, Nazz," he murmured. "I'd rather not cause any more-" Eddward was cut off by Nazz, who threw a look at him. His hands as he fiddled with his jumper.

"Eddward Vincent, if you were going to say trouble-" she stopped mid sentence and walked around the counter. She draped herself over his shoulder, half hugging him. Kevin smiled from beside them. "You don't trouble us. Got it?" Eddward nodded hesitantly after a moment. "Now, I'm going to get you breakfast."

The three ate breakfast together, Kevin and Nazz chatting about trivial matters. Their warmth cloaked Eddward in slight enjoyment, his usual morning ritual thrown out of balance entirely, replaced with the happiness of others. It felt nice.

He wished it could always be like this.

Soon enough, the three exited the the cul de sac, and walked to school together. It was a little odd for Eddward, to be walking to school with someone again. After the three Ed's separated, he walked by himself. The chatter of the cheerleader and the jock beside him was a welcome change. But he found himself wondering how long it would last - how long it could _all_ last.

"You're eating lunch with us today, right Double Dee?" asked Nazz as they walked him to class.

"I-If you want me too," he stuttered.

"You're such a dork, Dee." Kevin smiled. "V'Course we want you too."

Class was a bore as always. But he found himself somewhat more impatient than normal for it to end. Nazz and Kevin were waiting foe him now, after all.

When he stood at the bell and packed his things. He turned to face someone's chest. The boy with white blond hair. Jimmy, maybe? He still wasn't sure. The boy beside him was someone he didn't know the name of.

"Where do ya think you're going, loser? You got away yesterday." He looked around for a second, but the room was empty. His luck seemed to always be like that. 

His knees hit the back of the chair as be stepped back once, fear rising in his throat. One punch was all it took for Eddward to be flat on the ground, tumbling over the chair. It wasn't that hard, but he wasn't prepared. His ears rung as his head contacted the ground with a thud. A few seconds later and he felt blood trickle from his pulsing nose. He bit back a groan that raised in his throat, blurry eyes looking up at the violent boy, eyes meeting his for a second before a fist connected with his jaw.

"What the fuck Barr!?" the hostile boy yelled, holding his assaulted face.

"Oh my god, _Eddward!_ " Nazz ran forward, shoving the unknown boy out of the way before kneeling beside the fallen one.

Eddward swallowed, pushing himself up onto his elbows. He could taste blood on his lips. He didn't talk as Nazz helped him up, letting him lean against her smaller frame a little. Her arm wrapped around his waist as he held one of his hands to cup his nose.

Nazz looked at him, before turning to Kevin. The ginger was holding the assaulting boy by his collar. "Kev, lets go," she murmured.

Kevin let go of one of him, sneering. "Whoever messes with him deals with us, got it? I don't give a shit who it is."

With that, he followed Nazz and Eddward out of the room.

 

"Jesus D, does this happen that often?" asked Kevin as Nazz wiped away the blood on Eddward's nose.

"Sometimes," Edd nodded, "Nazz honestly there is no need for you to mother me," he said as she wiped his nose again.

"Don't be suborn, Double Dee. God knows there's no one else to mother you!" Nazz blurted out. She looked down, "Sorry D. I just-"

"It's just that we don't know how they can leave you alone like they do and I'm pretty frickin' sure they don't know this goes on! Do they even know about this stuff?" Kevin finished, voice raised.

Eddward flinched slightly, looking down.

"Thought so."

"I'm sorry," Edd whispered.

"No, I'm sorry," Kevin murmured after a moment, rubbing his face. "Shouldn't have yelled. Not your fault."

Nazz nodded in agreement and finished cleaning Eddward's face. The three left for lunch in silence afterwards, not speaking till they reached the cafeteria.

"Are you sure your friends won't mind me sitting with you," Eddward mumbled.

"Dude, we don't care what they think. We sit by ourselves half the time anyway. _You're_ our friend so you're gonna sit with us. Got it?" Nazz replied with a smile.

At that, Eddward allowed himself to be pulled towards an empty table by Nazz and Kevin. The ginger boy left to go get lunch.

"Eddward, can I ask you something?" Nazz inquired.

"Sure," he replied quietly.

"Uh-stop me if...you don't want to talk about it. But...why do you hurt yourself?" she asked softly, playing with her perfectly manicured fingers.

Eddward didn't talk for a minute, tongue feeling heavy in his mouth. "It's the only way I know how to cope," he said simply.

Nazz frowned, not unkindly. "What do you mean?"

He stayed quiet for another moment. "When Ed and Eddy left, I was very lonely. I was very sad that my best friends left me behind. But I understood. They had there own lives and I'd just drag them down. I'd just keep them back. So I didn't ask them to come back, and let them forget me." He scratched at the palm of his left hand.

"Oh, Eddward," Nazz reached across the table and held the other's hand. It was silent for another moment. "How does hurting yourself help you?"

"I've been doing it like this for a long time. Even before Ed and Eddy left. They just didn't know it." Eddward breathed out. "All of the things running around my head - I never really understood them. There were too many. They blurred together and I couldn't tell them apart. Sometimes they get so loud, and it just...gets to be too much. I don't know how to explain it. I could scream and it wouldn't be as loud as what's going on in my head. So," he sighed, "I found this." He took his hand back from Nazz and rubbed it over his sleeve clad forearm. "I don't really know how to explain it. It's like at first I tried to manifest the hurt in my head into something physical - something I could understand. But I still didn't understand it. Now it just...when my head is too loud - when there's too many thoughts all blurred together - it stops it. The pain stops it. It's like-like I go numb and the noise goes away. It hurts but...it's like it's a good hurt. It doesn't last long, though. So when it goes away and I can feel my thoughts too much, I do it again."

"Do you think...you could ever...stop?"

There was another silence, a string of thoughts running through his head. "I don't know. I'm not saying I don't want too, but I-I...I don't know what else to do."

"Then let us help, then." Kevin appeared behind them, lunch trays in hand.

"I...I suppose I can try," Eddward murmured quietly, looking down.

"Thank you." Nazz smiled.

The three sat together, eating lunch, speaking about odd things like school, sport, movies, all things that usually Eddward would find trivial and highly irrelevant. Today, he felt warm and safe and not as alone as he normally did. He felt happy.

That night, Eddward slept without nightmares at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even after re-writing, it's hard to get the self harm reasoning right. It's both hard to understand and explain. People have all sorts of different reasons, sometimes more than one at a time. It's complex. Sometimes the confusion over it makes it ten times worse.
> 
> Stay safe, guys.


	7. Sticks and Stones

The next few days were peaceful for Eddward, almost surprisingly so. There was no shoving or kicking of any kind, let alone cruel words thrown his ways. He liked it. The protective blanket that Kevin and Nazz had cloaked him in seemed to be working over almost every one who had ever caused him any sort of trouble.

But of course, nothing could last for ever.

As the class before lunch ended, Eddward made his way to his locker to discard his books. His peace was short lived. Instead, he was pulled into the men's bathroom by a strong jerk to the collar of his jacket. Falling hard to the floor, the door closed being him. Regaining his bearings, he looked up to see a handful of boys looming over him. He recognised some of them as boys from the football team. He could see Tyler standing in the back, eyes not looking at him.

"You seem to be spending a lotta time with, Kevin lately. What, think ya can sneak in with them to get away from us? What're you doing for em' in return?" The boy speaking had a shaved head and crooked eye brows.

"I-I don't know," Eddward murmured.

"Well ya gotta be doin' something to get em to hang around someone like you." It was the same boy who pushed him against the lockers. Johnny.

Someone brought his foot down on Eddeard's right arm, making him gasp ad bite his lip.

"Tell me you little shit," Johnny said again.

"I d-don't kno-ow," he gasped, tears building in his eyes.

He was heaved up a second later, pinned against the wall by hands against his shoulders. Tyler stood in the back still, watching on from behind his team mates. Someone hit him in the face with a closed fist, but he held in his cry. His right eye stung and pulsed as he was forced to hold it closed.

A knee connected with his stomach and he gagged, head falling forward despite the hands holding him up. They were gone a second later, and he fell to the ground in a heap. He pushed himself up with his hands but stayed knelt down. Tyler stepped forward and crouched, but still back a little from him. He stared at him for a moment, while Eddward gasped with pain and panic. Something flashed in his eyes, but Eddward couldn't tell what it was. He couldn't see from his right eye and his arm throbbed from beneath his jacket sleeve. 

"Are you paying them or something?"

"I-" he gasped, "No."

"Why else would they protect you?"

With that, the boys were gone. Eddward stayed on the cold tiles for a while, gasping and trying his hardest to steady his breathing. His chest constricted again as he stood up, leaning against the sinks with laboured breath. Grazing his hand over the right side of his face, he winced. The mirror told him of his bruised eye and lightly bleeding cheek, the skin barely broken. His vision blurred even more as he stared at the mirror. Tears fell from his eyes as he pulled his lip between his teeth in an attempt to silence a sobs. It only half worked. He sunk back to the ground, tucked himself under the sinks, and wrapped his arms over his head. He didn't move for a long while.

Nobody came into the bathroom.

Nobody searched for him.

Nobody cared. It was just pity.

Then - a text.

**From; Kevin - Dee, where are you?**

He stared at his phone for a while, maybe five minutes, before thumbing down a reply. He pondered the point in even telling him.

**To; Kevin - I'm in the men's room.**

A beat.

**From; Kevin - Are you okay?**

Eddward didn't answer.

Not even five minutes passed and the door swing open. He didn't look up. There was another moment of silence. Then, "Dee?" A whisper.

Something landed on his shoulder and he flinched. His head moved up slightly, till he could see the ginger haired boy's hand, now on his knees that was pulled up to his chest. He put his head back down.

"What happened, Dee?" Kevin whispered. He was crouched in front of the boy entirely now, but couldn't see his face in the shadows under the sink.

Eddward didn't answer.

"Are you okay?"

Silence.

"Come on. Let's get you up." Kevin stood up and took Eddward's hands into his own. Slowly, he pulled his up from under the sink. The silent boy's hand went straight for his hat, pulling it down over his sore eye. He didn't look up. Kevin sighed with worry. "D, what happened?"

"I'm okay," he whispered.

"That's not what I asked. Pull up your hat."

Slowly, Eddward did as he was told. His eyes was angry and swelled mostly shut, light purple decorating the right of his face. Kevin didn't speak after that. He soaking a wad of paper in the sink and held it to his face, wiping away the tiny amount of blood on his cheek.

Eddward didn't say anything either. Kevin tugged him out of the bathroom and towards the back doors.

"I am alright, Kevin," Eddward finally stressed as they stopped at the school gates.

"No you're not, Dee," he stated, pulling out if phone to text Nazz. A minute later, a text came back. "I'm taking you home. Nazz has practice and she can't skip again."

"I can go by myself, Kevin. I'm okay."

"Dee, you just got beat up."

"It's happened before," Kevin opened his mouth, but Eddward continued. he didn't look at the ginger at all. "And I've taken myself home just fine."

"Dammit, Eddward," Kevin said a little louder than necessary.

"I just want to be alone right now." Eddward looked down at his toes before whispering, "Please. I'll be fine."

Eddward walked away, leaving Kevin behind with a sigh upon his lips as he lent against the gate.

Eddward's insides were burning with shame. His skin pricked with anxiety, and a shadow curled back around his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Salutations. This chapter was a complete re-write. The initial idea was the same but the filling was very different. I hope you don't mind it.


	8. Fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N - short chapter. Trigger warning for in depth self harming. Please do not read if it will upset you. Take care of yourself first. Stay safe.

_"It's all pity. He was right. Such a burden. Such a problem. Such a waste of space. They don't care. They don't care. They don't care. They don't care. They don't care it's just pity."_

_"NO! THEY SAID THEY CARE! YOU'RE LYING!"_

Eddward woke, bolting upright in an instant and gasping for breath to fill his empty lungs. Sweat stuck his shirt to his skin and salt rivers flowed from his eyes. He clambered up, pacing the room, attempting to calm his erratic breathing. His hands pulling at his hair, the screams of his nightmares playing in him mind, over and over and over like a broken record.

_They don't care. They don't care. They don't care. They don't care. They don't care. They don't care. They don't care. They don't care. They don't care. They don't care. They don't care. They don't care. They don't care. They don't care. They don't care._

He pulled harder at his hair, covering his ears with his hands to _stop the noise_.

It didn't work.

He turned sharp, grabbing a book from his desk and throwing it across the room against the wall. "They said they care!" he yelled, falling to his knees, both hands back to his ears with his head resting against the wall. "You're lying," he whispered, voice rough and throat sore from his obvious yet unconscious tears.

He pressed harder against his skull, willing the voices to stop. But it did nothing.

He stood up, walking to the bathroom with gasps at each breath. He reached for the cabinet above the sink the shaky fingers, looking at the reflection starring back at him - almost taunting him. A mix of sweat and tears covering his face, dark bloodshot eyes, a wet mess of raven hair atop his head. Eddward removed his sticky shirt as fast as possible as though it was strangling him, but the _thing_ in the mirror did nothing to help calm him. His ribs stuck out just a little under his pale skin, and his arms hung there in all their hideous displays of _lines_. Eddward stared at the mirror, watching his reflection with disgust and hatred. He stood still for a while, hands bracing his body against the sink as his chest expanded and shrunk under his uneven breath. He couldn't focus.   


He couldn't think. It was all too much.

There was a hurricane of thoughts rushing around in his skull, crashing against his insides and crawling under his skin. He could feel it, almost - burning painful and hot under his hands and behind his eyes like a wild fire.

There was noise inside his head - words and statements and cries for help but he couldn't understand them all. They were mixing together in a cocktail of obscurity and _noise_ and he was drunk with it. It was too blurry and too loud. It was all too much for him to handle.

"Shut up." He squeezed his eyes closed and clenched the sink harder for support. But his thoughts wouldn't listen. "Shut up!"

_Pity._

_Burden._

_Waste of space._

_What's the point?_

_Who will miss me?_

_Who will notice?_

_No one._

_Not worth it._

_Not worth it._

_It's just pity._

_Pity._

_Pity._

_Pity._

_They don't care._

It was too loud - too much

Eddward couldn't take it.

He opened the mirror cabinet above the sink and takes out a razor from the top shelf. He bent the plastic head of it against the basin with all the concentration he can muster, shattering the plastic and freeing the small blades inside. Fishing out the metal from the sink, he sunk to the floor, his knees pressing into the tiles roughly. It was so loud that he couldn't even feel the sudden pain in his knees from the horrid impact. The metal sat between his fingers comfortably. Too much so. They shouldn't have felt as natural as they did in that moment. He'd done it so many times now, that it was second nature. But he didn't have a choice. It was too much. He couldn't hear. He couldn't think.

He just wanted silence.

Dragging the blade across his skin, he separated the flesh as though doing so might release the noise hiding inside his skull.

_Pity._

The first time he ever did such a thing, years ago, his hands shook and he almost dropped the blade.

_Burden_.

The second time, he had left a basin full of blood, and vomited in the toilet.

_Forgotten_.

The third time, he felt silence.

_They don't care_.

This time, he sobbed silently and breathed erratically. He sat on the tiles of the bathroom, finally dropping the small blade after what seemed like hours. In reality, it was probably not even five minutes. There was blood - so much blood - gathering in droplets along angry red lines to the point where they became so heavy they dripped off his arms and onto the ground.

He lent against the bathtub, eyes heavy and chest heaving. It hurt so much. It burned and itched and stung so much it made his eyes water again.

But that didn't matter. All was quiet now.

His head was silent.   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not keep it a secret that I use my own emotions and experiences in my writing (both this and other things) and I want you to know that this scene was not meant to be insensitive nor romanticising in the act. To be honest, this is not entirely what it is like for me. To a point, maybe, but I thought dramatising it slightly might give more of a heavy feel. My own emotional disconnection does not pose such a reaction usually.
> 
> Stay safe.


	9. Red

One of the things people don't think about with someone who self harms, if the guilt some of them feel themselves - the utter horror and shame at realising they have, once again, fallen down. And that is exactly what Eddward was feeling now.

The first thing the black haired boy was aware of when he opened his eyes, was the cold ceramic of the bathtub pressed against his face. The second, was the sickly sticky dark red, painting parts of the floor before him. It was dried up against the white tiles, a horrible contrast against the clean room. _  
_

His stomach was heavy, the feeling of shame almost enough to make him sick. If he had anything in his stomach, he might have been.

The morning was a blur after that. He disposed of the razor blades in the trash and wiped away the blood from the floor. He showered and cleaned his newly scarred skin. It felt robotic, like he wasn't connected to himself at all. Like he was wearing a blank mask without even putting it on.

Kevin and Nazz met him on the edge of the cul de sac, and his head was still blank.

"Morning, dude." Nazz smiled. Eddward didn't.

"Yeah. Morning," Kevin added.

"Good morning," Eddward replied lowly. 

Nazz didn't mention his bruised eye, that still stung a little. He was thankful for that though. Kevin spared a moments look at it, but didn't say anything either.

 _Pity_ , his mind whispered. He ignored it.

He faked a smile and followed them to school.

It was the end of the day before he knew it. It was all a blur. To his luck, Tyler was at his locker by the time they got to theirs. Eddward kept his head down as Nazz opened her locker to take her books. He chanced a look.

Tyler stared.

Eddward stared back. He swallowed.

Kevin spoke. "Dee?"

He tore his eyes away and looked at the ginger.

"What's up?" Nazz asked.

"Nothing," he said, spinning his head back to the two. His fingers curled.

"Dee," Kevin stared at him, "What's wrong with your arm?"

Eddward looked down to see his fingers squeezing his arm, He hadn't even felt it, but the realisation he was doing it made his tongue thick. He didn't realise he'd even grabbed it. He didn't look back up.

"Double Dee?" Nazz whispered.

He didn't answer.

Kevin's fingers twitched. "Dee, did you-"

Eddward swallowed again before talking. Blood was running through his ears again, his heart in his throat and stomach curdling with _guilt_. "I'm sorry." His voice threatened to break. "I know I said yesterday that I'd-I'd try to not-I know I said that but I woke up last night and I couldn't-I couldn't _handle_ it and it was just-" It was all too much.

"Eddward." Nazz pulled his hands into hers from where they had curled into fists. "Stop. Don't say sorry." 

Eddward didn't answer her, instead opting to chew on his lip with a lowered gaze. He took a deep breath, and spoke. "I'm sorry."

"I said not to say that," Nazz murmured.

He looked up at the blonde and the ginger, lip pulled between his teeth again. "And I said I'd try not too."

He had. He'd tried - just a little bit. It wasn't an easy thing to quit though. It was an addiction, he knew. How could he just throw that away when it helped him so much? It would have to be a process, he supposed. But how long would it take till be could work through his screaming thoughts without needing something so damaging to silence them? Could he ever find something to replace it? He didn't know. But the two people in front of him made him feel like he wanted to try. He didn't want to lose them. He didn't want to disappoint.

"It's alright, Dee," Kevin added, stepping forward. "Let's just get through the day, yeah?"

Eddward breathed out and nodded. "Okay."

Nazz squeezed his hand.

 

The three sat inside Eddward's home, shoulder to shoulder on the couch. Some sort of B-Grade action movie played on the television in front of them, but Eddward wasn't really watching. His mind cast back to the night before - the blood, the crying, and the nightmare. It wasn't an odd occurrence, but now it felt somehow _worse._

Nazz yawned and rubbed her eyes, although they were already closed. Her head bobbed to the side and soon enough fell against Eddward's shoulder. He hummed a slight laugh at the blonde.

Kevin looked around Eddward from his other side and stifled his own amusement. Eddward turned his head to the ginger, watching the way his eyes crinkled just a little as he smiled behind his hand. He caught the ginger's eye and looked down at his hands. "Kevin?"

The ginger hummed, "Yeah?"

"Can I-uh...ask you something?"

"Course you can."

Eddward fiddled with his fingers, throat stuttering and burning suddenly. "Do you-uh...my arms...do you think they're-" he stumbled over his words and took a deep breath. "Do you find my them...off-putting?"

Kevin didn't say anything at first. Eddward chanced a look at him, a knot deciding to tie itself in the pit of his stomach.

The ginger turned a little where he sat."Dee, why would you think I would?" he asked quietly.

He fiddled with his fingers. "I don't know I just...No one has ever seen them. Not even Ed and Eddy. But people...people act like it's a horrible thing that...people should be _ashamed_ of. A-And I just..." he breathed out, and looked Kevin in the eye. "I feel guilty _every_ time. Every single time. But I still can't _stop_."

Kevin's brow was furrowed slightly, but not unkindly. "I don't think you should be ashamed of it. I mean they aren't pretty, and they ain't the kind of thing people parade around like a trophy, but they're _real._ It part of you're story. I wish it didn't have to be, but you shouldn't be ashamed on it. Doesn't make you _proud_ of them not to be ashamed."

Eddward smiled just a little as he kept his gaze down at his hands. His eyes stung a little. "I told Nazz I'd try to stop. But I-I did it anyway." He stopped smiling after that. He looked at Nazz as she rested against him, her mouth open just a little as she slept. "You two are the first people to ever ask me to stop. And I let you down."

"It's not you're fault." Kevin's hand moved to his knee. It was warm over his skin, even with a layer of fabric between it. The comfort is gave him was immense. So much so it made him wonder why.

He didn't answer after that. Neither did Kevin. Slowly, he began to doze. His eyes grew heavy and his head bobbed, mirroring Nazz's previous actions. The ginger just pet his knee and looked back at the television. "Just sleep, Dee."

Eddward hummed and let his head fall against the blonde's.

He didn't dream that night. But the silence was nice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Re-writing this has given me a big chance to re-explain some things behind the self harm. I still don't think I've done it very well, but it should at least be better than the original. It's still hard to explain especially when it can be so different for different people.


	10. Gym Problems

"Dee, come on, man. You gotta wake up." A laugh followed the statement. Deep and rumbling.

"Hmm," Eddward groaned in response.

"Double Dee, we'll be late for school." Higher pitched voice this time, further away. Muffled slightly.

Eddward opened his eyes, the light from outside casting right on his face. He huffed and wiped his eyes with the back of his hands. Kevin smiled at him from his spot to his left.

"Come on, Double Dee. Go have a shower or somethin'. We gotta go get our stuff from home." Nazz smiled from the doorway.

"Good morning," Eddward yawned. "I'll see you guys outside in twenty?"

"Yeah, we'll meet you after we're ready," Kevin replied.

"Alright." He stretched his arms above his head.

Nazz looked at him once more as she and Kevin stood near the front door. "Eat something, yeah?"

Eddward smiled sleepily, nodding at her concern.

She stood in front of the mirror for five minutes after his shower. His inky hair stuck to his face, half covering his eyes. The reflection before him was different from that of before. It was silent. He was grateful.

He abandoned his thoughts and continued dressing. He meet the ginger and the blonde outside on the street, a half eaten apple in his hand. Nazz and Kevin looked at him for a moment.

"W-what?" he mumbled, suddenly feeling more self conscious than normal.

"Nothing. I guess we never really noticed how different you look," Kevin said with a shrug.

"Yeah. No sweater vests or bow ties in sight." Nazz grinned. "Gotta say I miss the cardigans a little bit. It was cute. Not that you aren't still cute now."

"Uh-um. Thank you Nazz," Eddward blushed, tugging down his beanie in embarrassment.

"Ah, there's the dork I remember. Blushing all the time, hidin' under that damn hat." Kevin nudged his side, laughing.

"Come on. Lets go." Nazz grinned.

 

It was Gym, and Eddward stood anxiously as the class was slowly divided for game of soccer. He was not particularly inclined for sports, always being the one to trip over his own toes. Mister Wilson blew his whistle from the sidelines. He wasn't a very nice teacher, with a rude attitude and instant dislike towards anyone who didn't have the aptitude for sport. 

Nazz stood beside him and nudged his shoulder with her own. "It'll be fine, dude. At least we're on the same team."

"Nazz, I have been known to trip over my own feet while walking," he stated. Nazz giggled. "As long as I can avoid that, I will feel accomplished."

"S'alright dude. You'll get there!" Nazz jogged a little way away and watched for the ball.

The game started, Eddward attempting to stay away from the action however despite his best wishes, it didn't last long.

When he was younger, he spent a lot of physical energy running away from angry people with Ed and Eddy, as well as a lot of time crafting one contraption or another. So skill was never particularly a problem. He wasn't particularly fast, that was true, but most injuries he required were from a mix of clumsiness and lack of luck.

The ball came flying in Eddward's direction and with it, so did the players. He wasn't really watching,mind wandering to irrelevant things. The collision of the ball was fast and hard, knocking Eddward back before his brain could even register what was going on. He stumbled, and hit the ground with a dull thud.

"Oh my god, Eddward!" Nazz called, rushing forward. "Are you okay?"

Eddward nodded, a little dizzy from the sudden shock. "Wasn't payin' attention."

Nazz helped him up, turning to the boys and girls standing around them, snickering into their hands. "You did that on purpose," she shoved her finger at a brown haired boy.

"No I didn't," he raised a brow at her, not sounding apologetic at all.

"Nazz, don't worry about it," Eddward mumbled as he rubbed his face. "It's fine."

Mister Wilson wandered over. "What happened?"

"He kicked the ball into Eddward's face!" Nazz pointed at the brown haired boy again.

"No I didn't," he frowned.

"Yes you did! I was watching you, jerk." Eddward wasn't sure, really. But Nazz looked angry enough that it must have been on purpose. Or at least close to it.

"Calm down." The middle aged man sighed. "Take Vincent to the nurse and get him some ice," he gestured to Eddward. "And you," he pointed at the brown haired boy, "Be careful. Do it again and I'll give you detention. Got it?" He waddled away.

The boy's smile faded to a scowl as he turned to Nazz and Eddward. "Squealer," he hissed. "Just like always," he gestured to the bruised eye that still painted the black aired boy's face.

"What?" Nazz yelled.

"I didn't squeal," Eddward stressed.

"Whatever, loser," he sneered again and walked away.

Nazz took Eddward's hand and dragged him to the nurses office. "Why didn't you say it was him? It was, wasn't it?" she asked as she pressed a freezer pack to his face.

He winced at the sudden cold and took the pack from her. "It wasn't just him but it-it doesn't matter now. It's passed."

"That's not the point, Eddward, and you know it. What about Tyler? Was he there?"

Eddward hesitated. "He was but he didn't-he didn't hit me. W-Was....Johnny?"

Nazz sighed. "You should have told us."

He looked down at his lap, feeling guilty. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be," she said, sitting next to him on the nurses bed. "We just want to help, it all. You know that, yeah?"

He nodded, "I know," he murmured. 

"It's not your fault people are dicks." She smiled at him, petting his shoulder. "People are just gigantic shits."

Eddward smiled, insides warming a little at the sincere concern the blonde was giving him.

No pity. Just care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm an accident prone person. Once I tripped playing a sport game and slid till I hit my head on the wall. Thinking back I think I got a concussion. I don't even know how many times I tripped over for no reason.


	11. For All To See

It was lunch time when Eddward left the nurses office. Nazz had already left to go back to class a while before. The cafeteria was full by the time he got there looking for the blonde and ginger. Once upon a time he would have never stepped foot inside the loud room in anxiety of torment. But Nazz and Kevin were beginning to make him feel almost untouchable when they were around.He was beginning to feel safe.

Their table was empty, but he didn't worry much. He took a seat and waited, reasoning they were most likely still in class.

Sometimes he thought back to what it was like in middle school, when he was friends with Ed and Eddy. They always sat together back then, still immensely inseparable. They'd laugh and joke and never be apart. He couldn't really recall when it all changed. It didn't just happen, it was a process. But he never really tired to stop it. He let it happen. He didn't want to hold them back from their own lives because of the hideous secrets behind his sleeves.

His thoughts were cut off by a tap on the shoulder. "I was just wondering when you two would show-" he yelped as he was lifted from his seat.

"I heard you squealed. That true?" It was Thompson, his large hands curled around the fabric of his collar.

"No! I didn't I-I swear!" he gasped, hands shooting the first holding the front of his shirt.

"I don't really believe you."

Tyler stood next to them, watching.If he was in another situation, Eddward might have seen his fingers twitching. Thompson dropped him back on his feet and shoved him back. Eddward's toes scuffled under him in an attempt to keep his balance. He fell into someone's chest and turned to see the boy from Gym class smirking down at him. He spun around and stepped away. 

"Grab him, Tyler," someone laughed.

Eddward didn't have a moment to react before Tyler grabbed the back of his jacket and pulled him back toward him. Eddward arms shot back with the sudden jerk and he fell forward, instantly slipping out of the jacket. Before he knew it, he was face to face with the cold floor with his heart beating in his throat.

You know how in the movies they say when things happen everything slows down? Well Eddward never believed that. But he did now. Things seemed to freeze a little. It's like he could _see_ everything falling apart my the millisecond. 

_My-  
_

He could feel his eyes stinging as he wrapped them around his body in a feeble attempt to hide them. It was like everything was breaking apart at once. 

_My arms!  
_

"Oh look, he's crying," someone said. Was he? He wasn't sure. He couldn't breathe. His heart was hammering in his chest, beating his ribcage so hard be could almost feel the impact. He was yanked up again in a second by the back of his shirt. His hands shot up to take hold of it once more.

"Fuck," Tyler swore.

Eddward looked up at the dirty blond, tears in his wide eyes and breath shaky, "P-Please," he whispered with a broken voice.

_No!_

Tyler's eyes widened too as he dropped the boy. "What the fuck?" he said again, something wiping over his features. Eddward pulled his arm away from Tyler's shocked gaze and fell to the his knees in a heap. 

"Dude what?" It was Johnny talking, he thinks. He wasn't even sure when he showed up.

"Dee!" someone yelled, but he was breathing too loud to know who.

"Tyler, what the hell did you _do?_ " Nazz followed behind Kevin, face distraught.

Kevin didn't spare a second thought when he saw Eddward on the ground, throwing  fist into Tyler's face. The dirty blond stepped back, clutching at his nose. "You!" He jabbed his finger at him. "All of you," he gestured to those around him, "Give his crap every single day. What did he ever do to you?"

"K-Kevin I didn't-" But Tyler didn't get to finish.

"He doesn't deserve this! Now fuck off!" Kevin's face was scrunched in such a way it was hard to tell what he was feeling.

"I didn't know!" Tyler yelled this time. Kevin ignored him and turned back to Eddward. The boys with him, Thompson and the boy from Gym,  stared with expressions so morphed they were barely readable. 

Nazz knelt in front of him, her arms wrapped around him as he choked on a sob and shook. "Eddward, look at me," she whispered, sitting back and holding his shoulders.

"T-they saw it. They saw it. They s-saw my-my-they saw it all," Eddward breathed in and out, falling over his words with panic and pain.

"K-Kevin?" Nazz asked. Her eyes were wide and frantic too. This was a whole new situation.

"I got it," Kevin hushed Nazz's own anxiousness, slipping off his own letterman jacket and resting it around Eddward's shaking shoulders. He lifted him up and slipped an arm under his knees and one behind his back. It was almost worrying how easy it was, if it wasn't for how strong the ginger was otherwise. Carefully, he shuffled him around as Eddward hid his head against Kevin's chest and sobbed.

The room was mostly quiet after they left. Nobody really knew what to say. 

Eddward Vincent was hurting that much that he tried to cut out the pain, and no one ever noticed.

But that's the thing about things like that - nobody ever really thinks that someone _they_ know; a brother or a sister, a friend or just an acquaintance, might just feel like they have to do something so painful, just to get through the day.

As Kevin and Nazz carried Eddward home, they worried as to how fast the rumour would spread. Because it _would_ spread. And it would do so like wild fire. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a horrible person.


	12. Never Again

It had been two days since the incident at school. It had been two days and Eddward had slept and sat in the lounge silently. Neither Nazz nor Kevin knew what to do.

Eddward wasn't sure either. His mind was quiet, which was odd, however it wasn't something he enjoyed.

It was like he was on the verge of drowning but he was breathing fine. It was like he was on the edge of a void with one foot in the darkness. It was like he was breathing, but he wasn't alive.

He couldn't really remember feeling like that before. He could remember when he was a child, back when his parents left him alone for the first time. He'd cried for days after they left. He could remember the day he truly realised his best friends were no longer so, too. He'd laid awake for hours, wondering what had happened. He could remember the very first time that anyone at school ever laid a hand on him. He'd stayed home for three days. 

They didn't feel like this, though. He couldn't think of _anything_ that felt as empty as this - as painful. But at the same time, as he sat there silently in a daze, it wasn't painful at all. It was just _nothing._

It was all blank.

So, in the overwhelming need to feel _something,_ he walked upstairs to the bathroom and broke his promise again.

 

Kevin and Nazz made their way through the school gates, walking through the front doors and straight toward Tyler. He was leaned up against his locker, typing on his mobile.

Kevin stopped in front of him, Nazz to his left. "Tyler."

His head shot up, and he slipped his phone away. He stood up straighter, sparing his feet a passing glance before speaking. "He uh...he wasn't here yesterday either."

"We know," Nazz huffed, "We were with him all day yesterday. And the day before that. After your little stunt."

"You went too far. Dee's already messed up and you go and do that to him? Why? What did ya have to gain?" Kevin asked, anger in his words.

"I didn't mean too." Tyler murmured. "Johnny said-" 

"Well guess what Tyler, whether you knew or not, you still did it." Kevin hissed at him. "And the-the things on his arms? He did to himself because of you and _your_ friends. The kid's a mess and you helped put him there."

Tyler didn't say anything in return. He swallowed. They were a little perplexed. He almost looked guilty.

"How many times have you hurt him? How many times have you thrown him down? You know he has nightmares, right? Wakes up sobbing. Maybe it wasn't always you. But two days ago? That's _all_ on you," Nazz spat, no longer caring about causing a scene. Her teeth were clenched as she finished. She turned on her heal and walked away to class.

"I never touched him till then," he said, but it didn't seem like either of them had heard him.

"Stay away from him. If you do anything to him, I swear to _god_ I will hurt you," Kevin promised.

 

The week went slow. He didn't go to school. Nazz and Kevin trying their hardest to get Eddward to eat three meals a day, to sleep despite his fear of the nightmares that came often, and most of all, talk. He didn't speak about what happened, but Nazz and Kevin understood that. the worry was how little he spoke about anything. Eddward had migrated up to his room over the past few days, and didn't leave for anything short of the necessities. He avoided the mirrors, too. He couldn't stand the way his eyes looked so sunken and hollow. He couldn't stand how pale he looked and how greasy his hair was from his lack of showering. But he couldn't bring himself to care enough to fix it.

It was sometime around midday on a Tuesday when the doorbell rang, stirring him from his empty sleep. Slowly, he dragged himself from the bed and down the stairs, opening the door in silence. He wiped his eyes with the back of his hands and looked up. He almost swallowed in tongue. In a second, he swing the door back close, but the dirty blond's hand stopped it.

"I just want to talk," the jock murmured, grasping the door with conviction.

"T-Tyler," Eddward stuttered.

"I _just_ want to talk," he said again, slower this time.Gentle, almost.

Eddward hesitated, anxiety pooling in his gut by the bucket load. The other boy was too strong, and he was so weak.

"Can I-uh...come in?"

Eddward was perplexed. The boy before him held a demeanour nothing like what he had in all the time they'd known each other. His hair was a mess and he looked like he hadn't slept for a while. Cautiously, he stepped back from the door and walked backwards into the lounge. He stood behind the couch, utilising it as a barrier between himself and his biggest possible threat at that moment.

"I just kind of," Tyler moved closer to the couch from the other side, but stopped when the smaller boy stepped back. He cleared his throat. "I wanted to-uh, say...sorry."

Eddward didn't move for a while, neither did Tyler. They stared at each other, not really sure where to go from there. Tyler looked away first, the look in the others eyes making his stomach clench.

"W-Why?"

Tyler looked back up. "Because I-I did that," he motioned to Eddward.

"I did this, n-not you." He frowned.

"I made you. Didn't I? And then I showed them to-"

"Did you...did you come here because you feel, responsible?"

"I didn't know you'd-"

"Do you pity me?" he whispered.

"No, that's not it. I just..." Tyler sighed and ran his hands over his face. "I'm sorry."

Eddward tugged at his sleeves. His arms stung. He didn't know what to say. "That day was one of the only times you ever touched me," he whispered. But Tyler didn't answer. "I'm presuming that-um...the word has spread," he mumbled after a silence.

"Some people started saying you probably... _killed_ yourself. Because you haven't shown up," Tyler scratched the back of his neck.

Eddward swallowed, stepping back a little. "Is that why you-is that why you came here? T-To make sure I didn't? So you don't have blood on your-your hands?"

"No!"

"Then why?"

"Because _I_ did this! I did this and-"

"I did this to _myself!_ "

"I helped pushed you to it, and I never even knew it!"

"I was like this before you, Tyler. I was _already_ screwed up! I was _already_ different! I was _already doing_ this!" he pulled his sleeves back to his elbows, throat constricting and hands shaking. "I was already doing _this_!"

Eddward's eyes were wide, with bags under them as evidence to his overwhelming exhaustion. Tear tracks were making their way down his cheeks, heavy and thick with pain.

Tyler stopped breathing for a moment, realising how close the younger had gotten to him in his unexpected - what seemed like - anger. But it wasn't directed at him. It was at himself. He could see that in the hollowness in his eyes, and when he looked down, the pain in his arms.

They were angry red, speckled with new lines covering old. Tyler grabbed them before Eddward had a chance to move away again.

"When did you...?" he whispered, squeezing the boy's smaller wrists.

"Why does it matter?" he said back. It was cold. Suddenly emotionless in a drastic contrast to only seconds before.

Tyler left a little after that, the image of the boy's scars burning into his mind. He had helped cause that. He had helped put him there. Whether he touched him or not, he was still one of the causes, and he would damned well make sure he didn't help to do that ever again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, anger. Breakdowns are different for everyone. I have seen ones worst than this too. They are horrible to see, and even more so to have.


	13. Don't Forgive The Enemy

It was another week after Eddward's interaction with Tyler when he finally returned to school. Both Nazz and Kevin had voiced their worries, but were relieved that he'd brought it up.

"I can't hide forever." He sighed, nibbling on an apple slice for breakfast. He wasn't really able to stomach anymore than that.

"Just let us know if anyone decides to make trouble, yeah?" Kevin said, sipping his coffee.

"Especially Tyler," Nazz added.

Eddward hesitated.

"What?" Kevin picked up on the action, straightening to look at him.

"He didn't mean to, did he? He didn't know."

"That doesn't mean he didn't do it, Dee," Kevin argued, a little louder than before.

"I know but-"

"Eddward," Nazz sighed, "Kevin's right. He still did it. He hurt you."

"I know it's just...what if-what if he said he was sorry?"

Kevin sat his cup down and stared at Eddward. "You really think he would?"

Nazz scoffed. "I'd be surprised."

"But...what if he did?" Eddward mumbled.

" _If_ , Dee, _if_. That's a big if," Kevin grumbled.

"We don't trust him," Nazz said, a little softer than the ginger.

"You think I do?" Eddward looked up.

"You forgive people to easily, Eddward." Nazz looked him in the eye.

"Maybe. That doesn't mean they don't deserve a second chance. He never...he only touched me that one time."

"You think he does?" Kevin asked. "Deserve a second chance?"

Eddward stayed quiet.

Kevin sighed and ran his hand through his hair.

Nazz stepped around the counter and clasped her hand on Eddward's shoulder. "It's up to you, Double Dee. But we don't trust him. Or any of the others. You have a habit of giving too many chances."

Eddward didn't speak again.

By the time the three got to the school gates, Eddward was a bundle of anxiety with legs. He tugged at his sleeves and swallowed. Nazz took his hand in her own as they kept walking. "Breathe, Double Dee. It'll all be okay."

Eddward nodded as they walked through the front doors. The corridor inside was half full and the feeling of nervousness only grew the further they walked. He felt like people were staring at him. He saw a few looking his way, but after that he refused to look up from his moving feet. Nazz squeezed his hand and Kevin did the same to his shoulder but it did nothing to cease the feeling of gazes beating down on him. He tugged at his beanie as they moved to his first class.

"We'll see you after class, okay? I have practice today too." Nazz smiled, letting go of his hand.

Eddward nodded and looked up at Kevin.

The ginger saw the way Eddward's eyes moved away as soon as they met. "I'm not mad about this morning, you know. Just worried."

Eddward nodded again. The bell rang.

"We'll see you later. Find us if you need to, okay?"

With that, they were gone. Eddward walked into the classroom before looking up from the ground again. When he did, there were at least three sets of eyes looking at him. He hurriedly took his seat near the window before the rest of the class came in. He tugged at his beanie as he stared at the wooden desk before.

"Hey, dork." Eddward looked to his right, eyes meeting with a boy in some generic band shirt. "You showed up finally, huh?"

Eddward swallowed before talking. "Y-Yeah."

"There was a rumour goin' around that you killed yourself."

"Oh my god, why would you tell him that?" a girl asked, sitting behind him.

"Well it's true. I mean that someone was saying it not-"

"Just stop talking," she scowled.

"Sorry," he mumbled.

Eddward was perplexed.

The girl spoke again. "People were getting pretty freaked out, you know."

Eddward turned to her for a second. "Why would it affect them?"

She opened her mouth but someone spoke over her. "Good morning class." There was a pause. "It's nice to see you back, Eddward." Mister Mason, a short chubby man with a soft face and glasses smiled at him. No doubt he'd heard the rumour too.

Eddward smiled back, if not a little strained. "Thank you, sir."

 

Eddward's second class was gym class The prospect of facing more people didn't sit well with him and he tugged again and again on his sleeves while standing in the hallway next to the Gym doors.

"I see you came back," someone said, Eddward's head shooting up in surprise.

Tyler stood awkwardly, no more than five meters away from him. Eddward looked away for a moment. "Y-Yeah."

He scratched his neck. "Look, I'm-"

"I know."

"You believe me?" Tyler frowned. He wasn't really expecting him to.

"I don't know yet," Eddward murmured. "But if anything, you did less than the others."

It was quiet for a moment, before Tyler spoke again. "You going inside?" he gestured to the door.

Eddward nodded, following Tyler though them as soon as he passed by. Somehow he felt a little less exposed walking behind someone bigger then him. He didn't feel safe by any means, but a little more hidden. As they walked towards the bleachers, a few students stared. Eddward fidgeted.

"Fuck off," Tyler growled, surprising those in ear shot, including himself.

Mister Wilson entered the room, blowing his whistle in an irritating manor. "Two teams. We're playing basketball. Go," he shouted. 

The room was divided fast, Eddward and Tyler ending up on the same team. Still, Eddward was nervous. Nazz had practice as she said, so he was alone. The game started and he did his best to stay out of the way. Mister Wilson didn't like than, of course

"Get your head in the game, Vincent," he yelled. 

"Eddward," Tyler called, bouncing the ball to him before running ahead. 

Someone yelled, "Pass," as he stood like a dear caught in headlights. He bounced it to someone else and breathed a sigh of relief. 

Tyler laughed, before running back away. For some reason, Eddward didn't feel threatened by the laughter. 

He smiled to himself, watching the game from a safe distance. By the time class was over, Eddward felt a little less nervous and a little more relaxed. It was odd. He almost didn't feel any fear of harm while in the school gates.  If he forgot everything that had already happened, he could almost pretend it was all like it use to be.

He didn't tell Nazz or Kevin about how Tyler had helped him. Or how he'd been nice, or apologised again. He'd rather avoid a repeat of the morning's conversation for the time being. 

He could deal with it all later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always got injured in gym class. Not always because I was clumsy, but because with things like soccer, I threw myself into it pretty hard and always ended with bruises. I wasn't good at most other things though.


	14. Back From The Past

Eddward went to school for the whole week, and the more he did, the more he was beginning to feel comfortable with things again. The gossip died down after a while, too. For that, Eddward was even more grateful. Tyler would help him sometimes without Kevin and Nazz knowing, too. Just the small things, like when he was overwhelmed by people who didn't know the meaning of personal information. _  
_

_Maybe_ , he would think, _Maybe he really is sorry._

Somewhere along the way, Nazz figured out that Tyler was talking to Eddward when they weren't around.

"Tyler."

The dirty blond rubbed the back of his neck. "Yeah?"

"Are you playing Eddward? Or are you really sorry?"

"Wow." He wiped his hand over his mouth, "Right to the point."

"With him, always."

"Fair enough." Tyler looked at the shorter blonde girl, watching the way her eyes squinted just a little bit as they surveyed him. "I am. I'm a dick, I know. I know I can't say this was worth it but uh...Johnny and the others...I guess I was scared of 'em too. 'Nd I didn't see how much they were hurtin' him. I know I messed up. And I know I can't just be forgiven, but-uh...I really am sorry. And-and I'm done doing that stuff." There was a gap where either of them spoke. "That day was the first day I ever touched him. I promise. And I'm sorry I did."

Nazz sighed and lent against the wall. "I believe you."

Tyler perked up. "Really?"

She nodded. "I don't know if Kevin will, though. Maybe. But," she sighed again, "I believe you. But I've said it before and I'll again - you hurt him again, we're going to have a problem."

Tyler nodded. "Thank you," he smiled, leaning against the wall beside the other blonde.

"This is gonna be one hell of a conversation with Kevin."

Tyler hummed.

 

Nazz sat on Eddward's right, Tyler to his left, as they waited for gym to start. Mister Wilson walked in with his authoritative whistle and obnoxious expression. "Everyone listen up. We have a new student. Make him feel welcome. This is Lucas. He just transferred in."

A boy stood beside the middle aged man, grey hood up and hands shoved in his pocket.

"Take the damn hood off," he scolded. "Five minutes and we start class."

The boy slipped the hood off, his brown hair ruffled underneath. "I actually use to go here-"

Eddward's stomach dropped.

"That was back in middle school, but I can still remember some of you."

He clenched his hand in Nazz's on reflex, the blonde sending him a confused look. The brown haired boy looked around for a moment, eyes falling right on Eddward's striped beanie clad head. He grinned.

"I can remember some of you quite well."

Eddward let go of Nazz's hand and tugged at his sleeves, looking down at his lap with a deep breath. It would all be okay. He had Kevin and Nazz now, right? And Tyler too? He'd be fine.

Eddward had met Lucas in middle school, as he'd said, back when he was still best of friends with Ed and Eddy. It started much like Kevin was at that time. There were words and insults and the occasional push, but then things got worse. As always, Ed and Eddy fought back. They were faster and bigger than Eddward, if not only by a little bit. So Eddward was always left behind. And when things got worse, he was the one who bore the grunt. He could recall one time in particular where he spent two hours in a dumpster before Ed found him. The worse it ever got for him with Lucas was just before the brunette was transferred away. But he'd never really forget it.

 

It was after school and he was walking home with Ed and Eddy. Lucas had followed them three blocks before calling out to them. Ed and Eddy were faster than him and ran away with no problem. Eddward however, tripped on the pavement and was at the mercy of the brown haired boy. He walked home with a broken arm and bruised ribs.

He knew he was bad news.   

 

He walked home alone that afternoon, the first time in a long time. Nazz had cheer leading practice and Kevin had after school detention for not doing homework. Eddward didn't mind. He was beginning to feel safe. That was, until the brown haired boy made a sudden appearance. 

"Hello, Eddward."

Eddward spun around on the pavement, eyes widening as he caught sight of Lucas, two boys and a girl he didn't know beside him. As he turned back and started to run, he found himself wondering how he'd ever let himself feel so safe as to not expect something like this. As though the past was hell bent on repeating itself, he tripped.

He was up in a flash, disregarding the pain in his hands and knees. He kept running and running and running. He rounded a corner into the junk yard. He turned and he couldn't see them anymore. He breathed a sigh of relief and closed his eyes. A second later, he gasped.

"Hey there, buddy," Lucas smirked, grabbing the back of Eddward's jacket.

"L-Lucas," he gasped.

"Let's have some fun, yeah? I missed a lot when I moved away. You and the other dorks," he said, pulling Eddward further into the junk yard. "You guys up for some fun?"

"Of course," one of the boys smiled. The girl just shrugged, popping gum into her dad. They followed Lucas as he dragged Eddward backwards. Eddward opened his mouth to call for help, only to have a hand move to his hair and the other to his mouth. He whimpered as the pressure on his hair increased.

"Don't make a noise," Lucas hissed.

Eddward nodded.

He gasped again when he was hauled up by two arms holding his back.

A fist connected with his stomach and he bent forward in pain.

"Having fun yet?"

Eddward didn't answer. Instead he groaned. One of Lucas' friends rolled him over and sat at his head, holding his arms out of the way. Something snapped in his chest and he screamed. Lucas pushed his hand over Eddward's mouth and silenced him.

"No talking," he whispered again, voice harsh and hateful.

"Someone's here," the boy at his head said, standing up. Eddward took his chance and started to run. He couldn't breathe and the sharp pain in his ribs _burned._

"Fuck," he heard Lucas growl and run after him.

Something hard hit his head and everything went a little blurry.

He remembered falling to the floor and feeling a numb _snap_ in his arm. He felt another. It might have been his leg. He wasn't really sure. He couldn't hear anything other than his own heart beat. He didn't know how long he laid there, but he was so tired.

So he closed his eyes.

He thought he heard someone call his name, but he wasn't really sure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tyler's redemption?


	15. White Walls and Notes

The first thing Eddward was aware of was the beeping. The second was how white the roof was above him. The third was how numb he felt.

"Fuck, Dee!"

Eddward tried to move his head but couldn't and started to panic.

"Breathe, it's just a brace."

He tried to talk, but couldn't do that either.

"No, Dee. Just relax."

But he couldn't. His mind raced with _Lucas Lucas Lucas_. It hurt to breathe.

Eddward began to cry.

"Hey, hey, hey." Kevin came into view sitting next to him on the bed. He took Eddward's beanie from his hands and placed it on his bandaged head. "Here. Thought you might want this." Kevin pushed the beanie over the crying boys eyes. "It's alright now, Dee. You're gonna be okay."

Kevin sat there with his hand on Eddward's head as he watched him cry.

Nazz entered the room five minutes later, looking like hell with bloodshot eyes and a head full of messy hair. Her eyes fell on Eddward and her hand shot up to her mouth to contain her sobs. Slowly, she moved next to Eddward, as if she moved too fast the boy was disappear.

"You're awake," she whispered. He hand moved to Eddward's taking it as gently as possible. He squeezed it, enticing another roll of tears from her eyes.

He drifted off again, too tired to stay awake.

Nazz and Kevin could do nothing as they looked at the boy, broken and bandaged in the hospital bed.  
  


"Eddward. Eddward can you wake up for me sweetie?" Eddward opened his eyes, blinking a few times to focus on the woman beside him. Her name tag read _Ellen_. "The doctor cleared you for the removal of your brace." He smiled a little and nodded at the red haired women. She clicked one of the buttons on the side of the bed and slowly, Eddward was sat up. He winced, his ribs hurting as he became more vertical. "I know, I'm sorry. I'll get you another lot of painkillers, huh?"

"T-Thank," he wheezed, coughing painfully after only one word.

"Here," Ellen smiled, handing him a plastic cup of water. "You've been asleep for a few days, so I'm not surprised it hurts to speak." Eddward frowned.

 _Days?_ he questioned. _How many?_

Ellen continued. "The doctor will come to see you in a few hours when he makes his rounds, okay?"

Eddward nodded again, smiling gratefully at the kind woman.

"You have a visitor, too, if you'd like for me to let him. He said he was a friend of yours."

Nodding, Eddward took another sip of water. Ellen smiled and left the room. A second later, in walked Tyler, hands shoved into his jacket pockets. "Um...hey Eddward."

Eddward opened his mouth for a second before closing it, gesturing to his throat.

"I know. The nurse who let me in told me."

He nodded again, looking down at his hands.

"I'm the one who found you, you know."

Head shooting up, Eddward tilted his head in question.

"In the junk yard. I-uh...I heard you scream."

He looked back down again. It was silent for a while. In a way, he found it ironic how he was rescued by an old bully from another one.

Tyler cleared his throat. "Can I...ask you something?"

Eddward nodded.

"Who...did this to you? I saw three guys and a chic running away but...I didn't see who they were. I was more concerned by you bleeding out on the ground."

Eddward's hand went to his head, absent of a beanie and wrapped in bandages. He didn't answer. There was only silence.

"Eddward? You knew who it was, didn't you?"

Slowly, he looked up, dropping his hands back to his lap. He looked up at the dirty blond who was standing at the end of his bed. Slowly, he nodded. "I kn-" He was cut off by his own coughing once again.

"Wait a sec," Tyler mumbled, leaving the room. He returned a moment later with a pen and paper, handing it to Eddward. Slowly, he took the pen, pressing the tip of it to the blank page. He didn't move for another minute, lost in his thoughts. Tyler cleared his throat. "You good?"

He looked up and nodded, then back to the paper, putting the pen to it. He scribbled out a name and handed it to Tyler.

"Lucas Harrison? Isn't that the new kid? Why would he target you?" He handed back the paper.

 _You know how he said he use to Peach Creek?_ he wrote.

"Yeah?"

_I knew him back then._

Tyler looked at the boy, laying beaten and broken in the hospital bed. "Was he...was he worse than us?"

Eddward nodded.

"Fuck," Tyler swore, running his hand over his mouth and looking away.

_Tyler, why do you keep coming to see me?_

"I'm not..I'm not really sure," he hesitated for moment before continuing. "I guess...I don't know I guess I still feel guilty."

_Why?_

"Because I was terrible to you. I was weak. And I took it out on you."

_I was the weak one. Not you._

Tyler stared at the paper for the longest time. The looked at Eddward, casting his eyes back over his pale face, taking special notice to the shadows under his large eyes. He looked so sad, with no anger present.

It made Tyler want to yell at him - to make him understand. "Why aren't you mad at me?"

Eddward didn't answer with writing - just shrugged.

"Why do you just sit there? You did then and you do now? Why aren't you mad at me or throwing things at me or making me leave?" He ran his hand through his hair, exasperated. "Why don't you hate me?"

Eddward looked at Tyler and shook his head.

"I helped fuck you up so much. I know I'm not the only one but I screwed up so much and you-you still manage to look at me like nothing happened? How?" Tyler eyed Eddward with so much anger - not towards the boy in the bed, but towards himself.

Eddward took the paper and pressed the pen to it. Tyler watched him the whole time. Before he handed it over, he crossed something out and wrote next to it. He took the paper when he was finished, reading it with a creased brow.

 _I never hated you, Tyler. I hated myself. You helped the others pick on me, that's true, but you are not the only cause of my pain. You never knew how much I was already messed up. I was already weak. I was already lonely and sad. I only had two close friends when I was a child, and they left me alone to face things when they got bad. If I was to blame anyone for my downfall, it would be them. But I still don't. I blame myself. There were times that I wanted to ask for help, but I was too weak to. Besides you said it yourself right? It was the only time you ever actually touched me_.

Tyler swallowed, just making out the words under the scribbled line. "Why can't you just hate me?" Tyler asked, finally looking up from the paper long after he'd finished reading. "I deserve it more than you."

_Why do you insist?_

"I just do."

Eddward pointed at the question again.

"Because I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. And I deserve the hate. Not you," Tyler murmured, looking down.

Eddward tapped his pen against the table, making Tyler look up. He held up a hand and waved towards himself.

Tyler stood up and walked towards his bed. Eddward stared at him. He stared back. Eddward lifted a hand and pressed it to Tyler's chest - right over his heart.

Tyler just smiled brokenly. "You're really something, huh?"

Eddward looked back and smiled, closing his eyes and dispelling the moisture that resided there. Tyler sat his hand on his head and nodded. "Get some rest."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I rewrite this it reminded me of how much I hated hospital. In tenth grade I got very sick and spent about 18 months on and off in hospital and nobody came to visit me. When I went back to school, turns out most people in my grade even realised. Everyone assumed I moved without saying anything. That sucked.


	16. Voices and Allies

Eddward sat quietly in the hospital bed, watching the tree outside the window move in the breeze. It had been almost a week after he'd woken up, and the doctor had seen him every day since. The doctor had told him he'd sustained a broken arm, a broken leg, four broken ribs, and a six inch open fracture in his head. All because of _him_.

Ellen sat beside him patiently. "Whenever you're ready, Eddward."

He breathed in and looked over at the woman. Kevin and Nazz stood against the wall at the foot of the bed.

"Can you say your name?"

He swallowed, preparing himself for a possible coughing fit. "E-Eddw-ward Vin-" he coughed once, "Vin-Vincent."

Ellen smiled. "Well done."

He smiled back at her.

"I'll be back in a while and we can have a look at your head. Okay?" she said, handing him a cup of water, and looking at Kevin and Nazz. She nodded at them with a smile and left the room.

"Hey, Dee?" Nazz asked.

"Y-Yeah?" he said softly.

"Who was it?"

Kevin cleared his throat. "We wanted to wait till you could talk again before we spoke about it."

Eddward nodded after a moment of silence. "L-Luc-Lucas."

"Harrison?" Kevin asked.

"The new boy?" Nazz clarified.

Eddward nodded again. "He-He...use to go to Peach Cr-Creek. In m...middle school."

"I knew thay but... _he_ did all this to you?" Kevin fumed.

"He had fr...friends."

"This wouldn't have happened if we'd known you were walking home alone," Nazz sniffled.

Eddward looked down at his hands and fidgeted with them.

Nazz tugged at Kevin's sleeve and whispered something in his ear. The ginger nodded and Nazz walked over to Eddward. She wave him a small hug and pet his arm gently. "We'll come back after school. Okay, Double Dee?"

He nodded, looking at Kevin and Nazz as they left.

"See you later, Dee," Kevin smiled.

Eddward felt like there was something behind his smile. Anger maybe? He wasn't sure. "Bye," he whispered, glad to give his throat a rest from talking.  
  


Kevin and Nazz walked through the school gates, spotting Lucas leaning against the side of the school. "Harrison," Kevin called out.

The brown haired boy looked up at them, smirking as soon as they approached. "Well looky here. If it isn't two of the dork's body guards. What do ya want?"

"You know why we're here," Nazz spat.

"Don't know what you're talkin 'bout," he smirked.

"Bullshit, Harrison," Kevin spat.

"Look you little whiny fucker, the dork's other friend? Tyler or whatever? Already had a little talk with me, and that ended with him getting a punch in the jaw. So unless you want to end the same way - or better yet - like the _dork,_ take your cheerleader bitch and get out of here," Lucas threatened.

"This isn't over, fucker," Kevin looked at him. "And she ain't a bitch," he said, swinging a single fist at his chin.

Lucas spat something, grinning at Kevin. "You're gonna wish you hadn't done that."

"Kev lets go. Just forget it. Please. Not right now," Nazz whispered.

"Fine."

"Yeah _Kev_ , go visit your other little friend or something." Lucas smirked.

Nazz pulled Kevin away into the school before the ginger could jump at the other boy. "Let's go talk to Tyler."

"Why?"

"Just do it," Nazz sighed, pulling Kevin along to the nurses office.

"Why would he be here?"

"You heard Lucas, he punched Tyler. So he'll probably have needed ice or something."

The nurses office door was closed, so Nazz pushed it open carefully. Inside, just as Nazz had predicted, sat Tyler. He held a hand of ice to the left side of his face, that was already purple and red. He looked up at them, a little shocked to see them.

"Tyler," Nazz said.

"Hi."

"What happened to your face?"

"Nothing."

Kevin lent against the door frame, crossing his arms. "We know you talked to Harrison."

"Oh."

"How'd you know it was him?"

"You went to see D, didn't you?" Nazz asked.

"Uh-yeah. I'm the one who found him, remember? And I didn't think you'd want to tell me how he was."

"If you'd just asked," Nazz started.

"You, maybe. Him?" he gestured to Kevin, "Probably not."

Kevin scoffed. "You don't know that."

"Well maybe I didn't ask you because you told me to leave Edd alone and I didn't."

The ginger sighed. "Fine. Maybe I wouldn't have told you. But can you blame me?"

"No."

Kevin frowned at the dirty blond. looking again at his bruised face. "When did you see him?"

"A couple days ago? I don't know. I just asked him how he was and stuff."

"Tyler's sorry, Kevin," Nazz but in. Both boys looked at her.

The ginger looked back at Tyler. "Really?" he questioned, sceptical.

"Y-Yeah," Tyler nodded, looking away. "You know, I only ever touched him that once. But I could've stopped it from happening. I really am sorry."

"Fine."

Tyler frowned and looked back up. "W-What?"

"If you're willing to get punched by Harrison for Dee, then I guess you have changed."

Nazz smiled at Tyler, giggling slightly behind her hand. Tyler looked at her. "Thought you said it'd be harder than that?"

"Apparently not," she laughed.

"Seriously though, will Edd press charges or anything?"

Kevin sighed. "I doubt it. He's probably too scared."

"We can't just let them go, though," Nazz mumbled.

"I know. But what are we meant to do?" Kevin growled, getting frustrated.

"I don't know," Nazz whispered.

The three of them sat silently for a while, before Tyler cleared his throat and broke it. "When does he get out of the hospital?"

"Tomorrow. We're going to pick him up," Kevin said.

"What about his parents?"

The ginger scoffed. "They haven't even spoken to him. They got called by the hospital but that's it. Didn't even come to visit."

"Wow," Tyler mumbled.

"Yeah," Nazz sighed, "That's why we're so close to him, I guess. We're his family now."


	17. Home Sweet Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to drop a few casual truth bombs about the world and mental health in here. Just because I think it's important. Even in a stupid little fan fiction.

Nazz wheeled Eddward's wheelchair through the white walled hallway, towards the exit of the hospital. Kevin walked beside them holding a pair of crutches and Eddward's bag. "Looking forward to going home, Double Dee?" Nazz asked.

"Definitely," he grinned up at her.

The three of them made it to Nazz's car, her and Kevin watching as the stubborn boy tried to climb into the back seat with a bandaged arm and a leg in a cast. "Double Dee, let us help you," Nazz insisted.

"I can do it," Eddward answered stubbornly.

"Just be careful. We just left the hospital and we don't need you back there," Kevin added smiling at the boy.

"Yes ye-ow," Eddward hit his head as he ducked into the back seat. "That hurt."

Kevin sighed, "You're such a dork," he said affectionately.

"That's what you get for bein stubborn." Nazz giggled.

Eddward sat pouting, rubbing has still bandaged head. "That was not funny."

"It was a little funny," Kevin shrugged behind a cheeky grin as he left to return the wheel chair.

He came back and slid into the passengers seat. The whole ride home, Kevin and Nazz filled in Eddward on trivial information, like the latest gossip at school, who broke up with who, who got expelled, things that had little importance, yet the words spoken gave Eddward a small sense of happiness; a small sense of normality and at this moment, Eddward needed normality more than anything.

They arrived at Eddward's house and helped him indoors. Sitting next to him on the lounge, Kevin said, "I'm gonna stay here tonight ,Dee. You won't be well enough to walk around by yourself till tomorrow and we both know you are too fucking stubborn to stay put," he said with a smirk.

"But-"

"No buts, Eddward," Nazz agreed with Kevin. "You're as stubborn as they get."

"But I wouldn't want to inconvenience you," Eddward argued.

"If it was that much of a hassle, I wouldn't do it," Kevin retorted.

"So it's settled then. Listen you two, I gotta go. It's late and I'm tired. I'll come by in the morning to drive you both to school," Nazz gave the two a hug each and left.

"Why doesn't she just always drive to school?"

"Gas isn't cheap and she likes to walk," Kevin explained with a shrug.

"Oh."

Kevin turned on the television, deciding he wasn't tired enough to sleep yet. Eddward was happy to sit there watching the channels flick by as the jock tried to decided. After a moment he left the channel on a late night horror movie. The two sat in silence for almost fifteen minutes until Kevin spoke. "Dee, can I ask you a question?"

"Of course, Kevin."

"I don't know why I never asked, I guess I just didn't want to put you in a hard spot. You don't have to answer if you-"

"Kevin, just ask your question. It's Okay."

Kevin hesitated. "What...what happened to you?"

Eddward looked confused. "I don't understand."

"Dammit it, Dee. Am I gonna have to spell this out for you?"

The bandaged boy looked even more confused.

Kevin sighed and scratched his neck. He spoke hesitantly. "What happened to you? You use to be so different. You use to be happier...well I think you were...I'm not really sure."

Eddward looked down at his ands, frowning. "I...I don't know."

"Okay...bit of a big question I guess. Sorry."

"It's okay, Kevin. It's just...I don't know how to explain it all," he took a deep breathe before speaking. "One of the things people ask you when you have problems with mental health, is when it all started. For me, I guess I could say it was from day one. I could say I was anxious from the day I knew what anxious meant. Wether it be caused by my parents absence or something else, it was there. Along them way other things just seemed to pop up. I would say though, that it wasn't really till early middle school that I realised it wasn't just me being over emotional or moody. But of course, even though I theorised that, it was hard to convince others. I only ever told my mother about it once. I was ten, I think. I wouldn't want to sound boasting of my intelligence at that age, but I understood more than I should have. Mother didn't see it that way though. She told me she had no time for something as trivial as hormonal mood swings. Father agreed." He sighed and rested his head against the back of the lounge, closing his eyes as he continued to speak. "I don't blame them. They were both healthy people, both mentally and physically. Even being Doctors, they could not see their own son struggling. Part of it may have been their ignorance for wanting me to be okay. Part of may have been because I was so young. People find it hard to see a child with problems. They find it difficult to comprehend that anyone short of an adult could have issues worth looking in to. I wouldn't say I hid it after that, but maybe...I started to suppress my emotions. The ones I didn't want. I hid them away and kept them to myself. That's how this started." He gestured to his arms. "See, I have a thought process that leads to things that are not so nice. Suicidal things, sometimes. And before you worry, I'm not unsafe. 

"The point of all this is that nothing really happened to me. It's just that over time, after Ed and Eddy left, I felt no need to hide behind a happy face I'd rather keep one that was empty. It was closer to how I felt. Thing's no doubt got worse, but that's what happens when you don't need help. And every time I ever thought about asking for it, I'd talk myself down. Make myself believe I was fine. That I wasn't that bad. Because it's like, if I'm not having a breakdown every moment, then I'm not bad enough to need help."

Kevin looked at him for a moment, not entirely sure of what to say. Eddward spoke before him."Kevin I think I had best go to bed. Could you please...assist me."

"Of course."

"Thank you. I should probably remove this first, though," he gestured to his head dressing.

"Yeah. Let me help. You've only got one arm at the moment anyway."

Eddward nodded, tugging off his beanie and unclasping the tiny clip holding the bandage to itself. When the bandages were completely removed, the staples holding the skin together were in full view. "I don't think my hair will grow back here," Edd said, tracing his finders over the line in the skin.

"Probably not, but you're gonna have a hell of a scar."

"That isn't a good thing."

"Yeah but it's gonna look bad-ass," Kevin smiled.

"I guess it would look pretty cool. No one would ever see it anyway though. I do always wear my hat."

"Yeah. Why do you always wear it anyway?"

"It was a gift from my mother when I was younger. It was from one of the last Christmas's we had together as a family. I think after time passed, it might have also become a sort of comfort. Like security. It use to make me feel safe."

"Oh." Kevin felt awkward, thinking about how little Eddward saw his own parents. He tried to change the subject. "C'mon, Dee. Lets get you to bed. If you wanna try and go to school tomorrow, you need to sleep."

"Yes I suppose you are correct."

Kevin held Eddward's arm over his shoulder as he helped him hobble up the stairs and into his bedroom. He stood by the door for a moment, as he flicked off the light. "Hey, Dee?"

"Yes, Kevin?"

"You know we care about you a lot, yeah? That even if we don't get it, we...believe you?"

"Of course I do. It's just sometimes it gets hard to see that. Even if you're right in front of me."

"As long as you know we're here. G'night, Dee."

"Sleep well, Kevin."

Kevin left him to sleep at those words, going back down to the lounge room. The ginger lied back on the lounge and soon drifted off into sleep with the sound of the television playing through the house.

Eddward laid awake for a little longer, thinking about what he had said to Kevin in the lounge.

He wasn't pretending anymore.


	18. Crutches and Classes

"Kevin."

The ginger opened his eyes at the hushed voice, pushing himself up into a sitting position on the couch. He yawned and stretched his arms above his head. Eddward blinked at him from the end of the couch. "What time is it?" He wiped his face with his hands.

"Seven thirty."

Kevin swung his legs over the side of the couch, groaning in the process. "I hate mornings," he grumbled.

"Me too but we need to be ready for when Nazz picks us up."

Kevin nodded and wiped his face again. After a minute, he looked at Eddward, frowning at him. "How did you get down the stairs?"

Eddward hesitated, "I...walked...down them?"

Kevin sighed. "Dammit Dee, you're supposed to be careful."

"I was," he stressed, playing with his crutches.

"Still shoulda called me," he grumbled again, but his insides smiled a little at his stubbornness. It was very much like him.

"Would you stop lecturing me and get up?" Eddward laughed lightly.

"Yeah, yeah," Kevin stood up and walked over to the kitchen. "I'm starving."

The two boys ate breakfast, Kevin then helping Eddward up and down the stairs as needed. The black haired boy complained quietly each time. After about an hour and a half, Nazz knocked on the door.

"Careful getting in the car this time Double Dee. Don't want you hitting your staples again," She giggled as she led them both to the car.

"Yes yes," Eddward mumbled, cheeks going red in embarrassment.

The car ride was tense for Eddward, a knot tying itself in his stomach the closer they got the the student filled building. He was nervous - fearful. Nazz parked in the school parking lot and turned off the car. It was silent for a moment, before Nazz turned around in her seat  "You sure you're ready for this, Eddward? Because it's okay of you're not."

"I can't back out now," he breathed out quietly. "I can do this." He nodded to the blonde and the ginger.

"Okay," she nodded, smiling gently.

Kevin mimicked her actions beside her. "C'mon then."

Eddward opened his door and tried to climb out without much luck, falling back into the car. Kevin came around in front him. "Let me help ya there, you dork." He laughed, amused.

Eddward sulked for a second before taking Kevin's hand and slowly climbing out.

As they stepped through the front doors and into the hallway, Nazz reached for Eddward's hand, setting it over it as it clutched at the crutches. The nervous boy smiled at her thankfully.

Tyler walked over to the three, smiling. "Hey. Nice to see you back."

"Thank you," Eddward smiled shyly up at him. His eyes fell to the faint bruise that painted his face. "What happened?" he asked, gesturing to the bruise.

"Nothing, Edd. Don't worry about it," Tyler reassured. Kevin nodded at him silently.

"Alright, enough with the pleasantries. Let's get to class and away from the paparazzi." Nazz motioned towards classrooms. 

Eddward looked around, realising there were a fair few people watching them. He ducked his head down and nodded. "If you don't mind."

The four of them sat inside  one of the classrooms for only about five minutes before the bell rang, but Eddward was grateful for that. He smiled at the others as they left for their own classes. The room filled with students quickly, making Eddward focus down at the desk in nervousness. he could hear them all talking around him but he didn't look up. Mister Davis walked into the room, calling them to attention.

"It's good to see you back, Eddward." He smiled.

Eddward nodded back, hearing a few murmurs of agreement behind him. He smiled just a little bit.

After the bell rang, he walked to Gym, stopping at his locker to put his books away. He frowned at it, balancing his books under his arm while trying to punch in his lock code. Unsurprisingly, he dropped his books."Oh bother." He pouted, looking down at the mess.

Someone chuckled and he turned his head, spotting Tyler with a hand over his mouth. "Sorry," he said. "Need some help?"

"If you wouldn't mind," Eddward mumbled, blushing out of embarrassment.

"Here," Tyler bent down to pick up the books. "What's the code?"

Eddward rattled off a mess of numbers and Tyler slid away his books. "Thank you."

"S'alright."

The two boys walked to the Gym, and Eddward couldn't help but to think how the blond haired boy walking next to him was beginning to make him feel just as safe as Nazz and Kevin. He stopped, however, when the doors of the Gym stood right before him. He'd almost forgotten who was most likely behind the door.

Tyler looked back at him, frowning. "Edd? What's up?"

He hesitated. "N-Nothing," he mumbled, taking another step.

Tyler stood in front of him. "Is it Lucas?"

Looking down, he nodded.

"It'll be alright, yeah? You've got me and Nazz there. Okay?"

Eddward took a breath and nodded. "Alright."

They walked in through the doors. Nazz, who was sitting on the top seats of the bleachers with a few other cheerleaders, scolded them as a few of them stared. She climbed down to the bottom seats and called Eddward and Tyler over. "Come on Double Dee, sit down here,"

Eddward hobbled over with Tyler. "Hello Nazz."

"You're usually here earlier. Even with the crutches you took a while. Did something happen?" She asked.

"Ah-um," he mumbled.

"He had trouble getting stuff into his locker,"Tyler said.

"Ah." Nazz nodded. "That sounds like him."

"Hey!" Eddward frowned.

"Sorry but it's true, and you know it." Nazz grinned.

Mister Wilson walked in a moment later. "Dodge ball. Two teams. Go," he yelled out. Everyone sighed.

"Ah jeez. This is gonna be fun," Tyler complained, sarcastic.

Eddward smiled at him as he stayed seated on the bleachers.

The game was just about to start when the doors slammed back open. Lucas swaggered in, hands in his pockets. Mister Wilson yelled, "Harrison! Why are you late?"

"Sorry sir, car got a flat," Lucas drawled.

Mister Wilson grumbled, "Alright. Join a side Harrison. We're playing dodge ball."

"Oh, dodge ball," Lucas grinned, eyeing Eddward on the bleachers. "Sounds fun."


	19. Dodge

The game of dodge ball began, balls flying off in all directions. Students jumped and dodged, being hit and caught out all over the placed. As the game continued, more students began to surround Eddward on the bleachers, the closest being Nazz's cheer leading friends. He blushed a little under the attention. He always felt a little awkward around people he barely knew.

"We heard about when you were injured."

"Nazz was so worried she couldn't concentrate during practice."

"Do you really have eight staples in your head?"

The questions kept coming from all around him. He took a deep breath.

"S-Seven actually." He chewed at his lip.

"Can we see them? Will it leave a scar?" a girl asked. He thought her name was Jamie.

Eddward hesitated, "It should but...I don't think you'd really want to see it. It's not very nice to look at."

The students added up around him as the game progressed further. Someone else asked, "Please? We won't laugh or anything, promise."

Eddward thought for a moment, "Okay," he mumbled

With those words, eyes fell on Eddward with anticipation. The slender boy reached up to his hat, gently and slowly pulling it from his head. The seven shining staples came into view. The skin it pulled together was pale, almost white, with a red raised line running through the centre. It reached from half way back on the right side of his scalp, curling jagged and sharp down to just above his right eyebrow. Eddward's face went even redder as he sat there, his injury in full view of the others.

A boy from spoke up from behind him. "Looks pretty bad-ass, dork."

Others mumbled their agreement. The brunette from before spoke up again. "Did it hurt when you got the staples in?" she asked, almost too eager.

"I don't know. I was unconscious when I was admitted to the hospital. When I woke up, it was a few days later and they were already in," Edd looked down.

"Shit, didn't know it was that bad. You're pretty tough, kid," another boy spoke up.

Eddward's thoughts raced for a moment. They were being nothing but kind to him. It felt nice, yet also confusing. Were they pitying him? Maybe.

"Edd, look out!" Nazz called, grabbing his attention. A ball was coming his way. Eddward, putting up his arms to protect himself, caught it with his bandaged arm, yelping in pain. "God, Eddward, are you okay?" Nazz asked, her and Tyler jogging over to him.

His eyes teared up a little at the pain and shock. "Y-Yeah."

Nazz looked at Eddward in concern while Tyler looked around, seeing Lucas smirking. He walked over to Lucas, pushing his shoulder. "What the hell man?"

The brown haired boy smirk grew wider and more sinister. "My hand slipped. It's dodge ball. So I played ball. Bitch shoulda dodged."

"I've had enough of your shit Lucas," Tyler threatened.

Eddward called from the bleachers, "T-Tyler please don't. I'm okay. Please don't fight."

"Yeah Tyler boy, listen to the little loser," Lucas spat.

Mister Wilson called out from the other side of the room, somehow oblivious to the dangerously hostile conversation taking place. "What's going on over there?"

"N-Nothing sir. Just an misunderstanding," Eddward pushed out the explanation almost instantly, trying to give Tyler and Lucas no chance to say otherwise.

"Alright. Step apart, you two," he called. "Game reset."

The students left Eddward on the bleachers and returned to their sides, Tyler and Lucas glaring at each other, separating to their own sides. The game started. Tyler and Nazz were running and dodging, catching when they could, both playing the game. Lucas however, was occupied with staring at Eddward, smirking at his sudden popularity boost. He wanted to take the boy down another peg.

As class ended, Eddward gathered his crutches and started to hobble towards the doors to the hallway. Tyler took his bag, him and Nazz walking next to him. The students swarmed into the hallway, all trying to get to lunch. Half way to his locker, Eddward paused, readjusting his crutches. Lucas came past him, kicking out one of the crutch legs and walking further up the hall. Eddward made fast contact with the ground with a gasp and a dull thump. Landing on his back, he bumped his head against the ground. The air left his lungs, adding to the sudden panic and pain. As he tried to even out his breathing, he became aware of Nazz, Tyler and a few other students looking down at him. Their faces looked concerned, their mouths moving but no sound could be heard. Well, not by Eddward anyway. His ears were ringing and he was far to busy trying to breathe to be worried about listening. After a minute, his breath was almost controlled. He lead his blue eyes to Nazz. "Eddward. Are you okay? What happened?"

Eddward took a deep breath. "I don't know. I just sl-slipped?"

Tyler looked around, searching for evidence of a certain brown haired boy. And there he was, leaning against a locker at the other end of the hall, a cocky smirk on his face.

Eddward followed Tyler's gaze, eyes growing wide. "Tyler no-please don't."

"Don't what? What's going on?" Nazz asked, confused.

"Lucas did it," Tyler ground out.

"Please don't fight," Eddward pleaded as he pushed himself up more into a sitting position.

Kevin came in through the back hall doors and upon seeing Eddward on the ground, ran over. "Dee, what happened?"

"Lucas happened," Tyler answered for him.

"What?" Kevin asked, still confused as to what had happened.

"Tyler thinks Lucas kicked out Eddward's crutches. He already threw a ball at him in Gym, too," Nazz answered, helping Eddward all the way back up.

"Kevin please don't do anything. I'm okay," Eddward pleaded again.

"No Dee. This fucker's done enough," Kevin growled.

"Kevin's right, dude," Nazz said.

A few teachers walked through the hall and out the doors, Lucas moving after them, knowing Kevin and the others wouldn't risk following. He smiled and waved as he left.

Kevin growled. "Fine. But we end this today. After school we're gonna go see him."

"Kevin plea-" Eddward was cut off.

"No Edd, Kevin's right. This has gone on long enough. He already put you in the fuckin' hospital. Or did you forget that?" Tyler asked.

He just looked down at his feet, silent.

A bad feeling about what was to come settled itself in his stomach.


	20. Two On Three

Lunch passed, as did the other classes and soon, the school day was over. Just as Kevin and Tyler agreed, they went to confront Lucas and as expected, he was waiting for them with his two friends on the far side of the football field. Nazz went after them, not wanting them to confront the others alone. Eddward went too, wishing that they would all just walk away.

Lucas smirked as they all walked over, the two boys behind him doing the same. Eddward thought they might have been the two from the junk yard incident. "So you showed up. I was sure you were gonna wuss out."

"You fucking wish Harrison," Tyler said.

"We gotta settle this," Kevin growled.

"Settle what? All I've done is deal with a little bitchy dork who's so pathetic he can't even stand up for himself," Lucas smiled.

"Oh you fucker," Kevin swore.

"The kid didn't do anything and you put him in hospital? You almost killed him. You beat the living shit outta him and you left him to die!" Tyler yelled.

Lucas smirked again. "Little dorko over there? Hidin' behind the cheer leader bimbo? Is weak as fuck. He deserves it. He's _so_ fun to mess with. You probably know this, but I use to mess with him _loads._ Every day I'd just look forward to making him cry out or something. He's just such a fucking waste of space-"

"Stop it!" Nazz yelled.

"-how can you _not_ mess with him-"

"Shut up," Tyler growled.

"-I mean really, he's just such a waste of breath. _Personally_ I think he should-"

"Shut the fuck up," Kevin yelled.

"-just die."

Eddward couldn't breathe. His throat was obstructed by a cry he couldn't quite get out.

_Die._

"I mean, wouldn't it just be better off for everyone?" he laughed. He sounded mad. Manic and psychopathic.

And just like that, hell broke loose. Kevin jumped at Lucas, catching him in a right hook, shaking his head back. Tyler punched at his two friends, knocking one of them down, the other cracking his fist back against Tyler's nose. Lucas threw a punch back at Kevin's face, catching his jaw. Nazz ran away to get help, leaving Eddward to watch the savage battle rage on.

Punches connected with faces and kicks connected with shins. Tyler knocked out one of Lucas's friends with an uppercut to the jaw, throwing another closed fist at the one still standing. It connected, knocking the other to the ground. Kevin and Lucas threw punch after punch at each other, until Kevin got in a bigger hit to the boy's chest, knocking the wind out of him. He span around and fell to the ground, gasping for air as his lungs were emptied. Kevin stood there, soon joined by Tyler, who's face was busied and beaten much like his own. His nose was most likely broken too, blood dripping down his face. "Had enough?" Kevin asked the boy on the ground. Lucas knelt there for a moment having regained somewhat normal breathing, as though he was contemplating his answer before he turned and lunged at Kevin.

The next few seconds dragged out like an eternity. Well, it seemed too.

Lucas reached Kevin, dragging his fist along his stomach. In his hand was an open switch-blade. It tore into the ginger. It went through his shirt, separating the skin.

And just like that, Kevin fell.

Blood began to seep through the wound like a fountain of red. The shirt stuck to his skin as it became _soaked_ in the horrid liquid _._

Kevin gasped for a moment, and then stopped. He didn't move after that, just laid there.

Oh

so

_still._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a horrible person.


	21. Bloody Hands

Eddward didn't breathe. Kevin didn't move. Instead, he laid on his side on the ground, red liquid _oozing_ from his stomach. He was a sickly still contrast to the grass moving  around him in the breeze. Tyler fell on his knees beside him, rolling his onto his back and pressing his hands over his stomach. Here was a mantra if frantic profanity falling from his lips. 

Lucas stood over them both. "Had enough?" he mocked. He swung his foot back and brought it under Tyler's chin, knocking him out in a second. Tyler wasn't even looking to know it was coming. He brought his foot back up, bringing it back down on Kevin's chest. The ginger groaned unconsciously, body arching for just a moment. "No more fight left, huh?"

Eddward's stomach was full of poison bugs, and he felt like he might throw up. Instead he dropped his crutches, ignoring the thumping in his chest and the pain in his leg as he ran. Lucas swung his foot back again for another kick but was taken off his feet by the running teen. As small as he was, his gathered momentum was enough to push him over. He landed on top of Lucas, holding his shirt in his shaking hands. 

"Stop it!" he cried. 

Lucas threw Eddward off of him in a matter of seconds, the latter tumbling to the ground with a thud. Lucas swore under his breathe and walked back over to Kevin, bringing his foot back up. Eddward moved as fast as he could, his body screaming at him, and jumped back up in front of Lucas, taking the kick in the stomach. He doubled over, gasping. 

"S-Stop it. Please. He's going to d-die," Eddward whimpered out.

"I don't give a fuck," he said coldly. 

He knelt next to Kevin, taking the knife back into his hand. He pressed it to his face, ready to break the skin. Eddward crawled and pulled at his sleeve, trying his hardest to pull him away even in his weakened state. Any adrenaline he had left had worn off. Lucas laughed, swatting his hand away with the blade. 

"You just don't quite, do you?"

"P-Please," Eddward wheezed. Lucas' lips pulled into a sinister grin as he stood up and turned around to Eddward, kicking him again in the stomach. He climbed onto Eddward's front as soon as the boy fell onto his back. Eddward whimpered as the blade was pressed against the skin of his neck, his hands flying up to push at Lucas' chest. "N-No," he pleaded, but Lucas just took his wrists and pined them above his head with one hand. He pressed the point back against his skin, but to the underside of his jaw instead. He dragged is along his skin, leaving only a two and a half inch line before pulling it away. Eddward whimpered underneath him. "Pl-Please," he whispered, closing his eyes.

Voices came into earshot as Nazz ran back onto the field, followed by a few other people. "Shit," Lucas swore. He turned to Eddward who was still underneath him. "This is your fault, Vincent. If you had just sat there and taken things like the a man, nothing like this woulda happened. You're pathetic, fucking waste of space. A little parasite that drags everyone else down." Lucas pushed himself up, and with a quick push to Eddward, he left. He ran from the field, leaving his two unconscious friends behind.

Eddward didn't have a moment to think about what the boy had just said before he pushed himself up and turned back to Kevin, placing his hands on his stomach, trying to apply pressure. There was so much _blood._ His heart beat in his ears as tears began to roll down his face. All he could think as his hands became soaked in sticky red was _no no no._

Nazz and the others reached them in a matter of seconds, Nazz falling to her knees next to Eddward. "K-Kevin? Edd, w-what happened? What-"

"Lucas," Eddward rushed out.

"W-What?"

"He-he had a switch blade and he-he-" he couldn't finish. His throat was too tight. But his pain didn't matter right now.

"Edd," she whispered, taking in the line on his jaw that was beginning to drip as he moved.

He sniffled, ignoring the way his tears blurred his vision. "Nazz, I need your jacket. Can you press it over his stomach?"

"Yeah, yeah of course," Nazz nodded, slipping off her jacket and laying it on Kevin's wound.

Eddward looked around. "Does anyone have a phone on them?"

A boy spoke up. His eyes were wide and shocked at the scene, just like the others around him. "I do. I'll...call an ambulance."

"Thank you," he crawled around too Tyler. "Tyler, wake up," he said, shaking him with conviction. There was blood on his face too.

All because of him.

"Ugh," Tyler stirred. "The fuck happened?" He looked at Eddward, taking in his bloody hands and the heavy droplets that were beginning to run down his neck. "Fuck."

Things after that went quickly. An ambulance showed up, as did a police car. Lucas' two accomplices were taken into custody and Kevin was loaded into the back of the ambulance.

It was only then that Eddward wiped at his jaw, pulling it away to see more blood of his own.

_This is my fault._


	22. Fault

Eddward's breath stopped yet again when they entered emergency. He and Tyler climbed out of the ambulance, Kevin being wheeled out of his own moment before them. Nurses and Doctors rushed around him, saying things Eddward couldn't quite make out. He couldn't really think straight, as he watched it all go on. He looked down at himself, but all he could see was _red_ _._ The blood was all too much for him. It was on his hands and under his nails in his nose and it was all _too much._

Tyler climbed out after him, clasped his hand on the smaller boy's shoulder. He turned him away from Kevin, tilting his head up to look him in the eye, "Eddward? Just take a breath for me, yeah?"

Eddward nodded numbly, eyes too blank for the dirty blond's liking. Tyler kept his hand where it was and guided him further into the emergency room. There were people shouting and running around, and Kevin quickly disappeared into another room behind two swinging doors. Tyler pulled him into a seat and they waited. Eddward still couldn't breathe.

As soon as she arrived, following the ambulances as best she could, Nazz ran into the emergency room. She swivelling her head around in search for them. When her eyes feel upon the back of Eddward's bowed head, she took the seat next to him, taking his hand into hers and squeezing it, ignoring the dry blood that stained his skin. He didn't look up at her. He didn't speak. He didn't even move. He couldn't _breathe._ It was all just too much.

_My fault._

"Shh, Double Dee. It's okay," Nazz hushed into his ears. He hasn't noticed the way his breath picked up the more he thought. He hadn't even noticed the way his eyes were clouded _just_ a fraction with tears.

A nurse came in. "I believe you three were with the boy?" She looked down at her papers. "Barr?"

"Yeah," Tyler answered her.

"Okay." She looked over them. "You two come with me." She motioned to Tyler and Eddward. "I'll call you through when I'm done, okay?" she smiled at Nazz.

Eddward hobbled along after Tyler, his crutches long forgotten in all the panic. He didn't even notice the way his leg stung as he took each step.

Things were eerily quiet as the three of them waited for Kevin to wake. It had been a day already. His mother had come and gone, called to work despite her distress, but they understood. Tyler received a broken nose and a concussion. Eddward had a concussion too, and a square of gauze taped to his jaw over two stitches. Kevin lay there, silent and still except his heavily bandaged chest and stomach rising and falling as he breathed.

Time passed slowly.

And with slow time, came fast thoughts.

_My fault. All my fault._

"This is my fault," Eddward murmured.

"What?" Nazz asked. She squinted at him from the other side if the room.

"Lucas was right. This is all my fault," he stated, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Edd that's bullshit," Tyler said, a little louder than needed.

"No. If I hadn't been so-so pathetic, and if I had handled this myself and not let you all interfere with me, than Kevin wouldn't-he wouldn't be-he wouldn't be _here._ He'd be at home and he'd be _fine_. This is-is my fault," Eddward's words started to fall apart as he became more anxious and frantic. His skin was itching.

"Eddward," Nazz moved next to him, trying to wrap him in a hug, to hold back his thoughts that she _knew_ weren't true. "Edd this isn't you fau-"

"Yes it is, Nazz," Eddward cut in, his voice rising as he dodged her arms. "Lucas is right. I'm a waste of space.Just a leech that takes _everyone_ else down. I just-I just...I'd be-"

"Edd, please don't say that," Nazz pleaded, walking after him as he moved around the room, hands tugging at his hair.

"-better off dead," he finished, stopping as he looked out the window blankly.

Nazz's face crumpled, "No, Eddward. That's not true."

"Edd. Don't do this to yourself," Tyler said, walking over to him. "This isn't your fault."

"No Tyler. This is all on me. I just-I have to go. I have to get out of here," he hobbled towards the door.

"Edd no, don't go. Please," Nazz pleaded, moving after him.

"Nazz please. I want to be alone."

"Edd don't do this. Stay with us. Stay with Kevin. Please," Tyler walked over, standing between the crumbling boy and the exit.

"Tyler," Eddward looked up into his eyes, his own looking cold, "Let me pass. I want to leave. I can't stand here with you two when you've helped me _so_ much and all I've done in return in land Kevin in hospital. I _need_ to leave."

"Edward, _please_ ," Nazz pressed, frantic.

"Stop it!" Eddward nearly yelled. "Stop trying to _comfort_ me and make me feel better! _I_ did this! _I_ did _that_!" He threw his hands at Kevin. "You're both so nice and caring but I don't _deserve_ it." He took a deep breath, like he was running out of oxygen. "I just need to be alone," he pleaded.

Nazz and Tyler were silent for a moment, watching the way Edward tugged at his hair and huffed out each breath.

"I just need to be alone," he repeated, quieter this time, desperate. "If you care for me, please just let me go."

Tyler stood in the doorway for almost a minute, then moved aside, knowing there was nothing he could do. The boy in front of him looked broken, and he and the blonde were both sure that if they even tried to hold him, had fall apart all together.

"I'm sorry for the trouble I have caused you both," Eddward said, and then left.

Tyler sat down next to Nazz. "Will he be okay?"

"I-I don't know," she whispered, wiping her eyes. Tyler walked over to her and stood against the wall. A moment passed, and she moved her hand over her mouth, in an attempt to stifle a sob. Her body hunched, and Tyler's hand moved to her shoulder.

He looking at the ceiling. "We'll go see him tonight. In a couple hours."

"Yeah," Nazz whispered. Tyler barely heard her.

He swallowed down his own tears, and hoped that everything would be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for the next chapter involving self harm. Stay safe.


	23. Quiet Control

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> triggering chapter for actions of self harm. Please be careful.

By the time Eddward unlocked his front door and stumbled inside, he was exhausted. The numbness that had cascaded his body for the past day and a half had worn off, and not he stood frail and tired. But most of all, empty and cold.

The house was dark as he entered, no sign of life anywhere. He tried to ignore it best he could - the loneliness that had been creeping up on him ever since he left the hospital room. He tried to ignore it, because he didn't _deserve_ comfort. Not while Kevin laid beaten and bloody because of _him_.

The answering machine blinked on the kitchen counter, enticing Eddward to click it. He never got messages, except the very rare ones from his parents.

 _"Eddward."_ It was his mothers voice. _"Your father and I apologise for not being able to see you after your...incident. We've both been too busy to leave. Despite your accident, we had the school inform us that you were absent for a week before that. That is unacceptable, Eddward. Your father and I expected more from you. The hospital also informed up that you partook in...self harming. I don't know why you have done that, but your father and I have agreed that that sort of thing needs to stop. You are not a child. Do not act like one."_

Edward swallowed as the machine continued to replay his mothers message. He couldn't stand the words, but he longed for her voice.

_"We'll be in Florida for our next reassignment. If we have the time, we may visit in the next months. Goodbye, Eddward."_

The message was cold and to the point. No words or love or comfort, but Eddward didn't blame them. He didn't deserve comfort right now. _Your_ _father_ _and_ _I expected more from you_. He could only imagine the disapproving look upon his mothers face as she spoke those words. He didn't care about seeing them anymore, maybe because he'd given up, or maybe because he was at the point where he could no longer forgive them for leaving the house as empty as they did. But he couldn't lie. All they needed to do was utter a simple apology and he would probably run to them with a smile. Maybe that was just the overwhelming emptiness that was talking. He couldn't really think about that now.

Eddward dropped his bag on the counter and turned, the decorative mirror in the hall catching his eye. His reflection stood before him, weak and horrible. Dark cold eyes looked back at him, heavy and lifeless. The reflection looked broken, in both mind and body, as was the one it belonged too.

He hated it.

He hated himself.

He hated he way he felt so _weak_ and useless.

He hated the way he believed Lucas' words.

Eddward stared his reflection.

_My fault. My fault. My fault.  
_

The words were fast and hard, crashing around inside his skull like a bullet.

It was all too loud.

 _My_ _fault_ _._

"Your fault. Your fault. Your fault. All _your_ fault. This it all your _fault_ ,"  he mumbled, over and over.

__YOUR FAULT YOUR FAULT YOUR_ _ _FAULT YOUR FAULT_

He tugged at his hair, hands over his ears in an attempt to _make_ _them_ _stop_ _._

__YOUR FAULT YOUR FAULT YOUR_ _ __FAULT YOUR FAULT_ _

It didn't work. He sent his fist into the glass, breaking the corner, spider webbing cracks all over.

The glass fell away as he moved his fist, crashing to the floor, taking the cold eyes of his reflection with it. Eddward's knuckles bled, the sticky liquid dripping along his fingers and running down his hand. He looked down and stared as the sickly sticky mess. It only reminded him of the blood that was staining his hand the day before.

It was all too loud.

_My fault Your fault My fault Your fault-_

But he knew how to silence it, and promises didn't matter right now. He just needed the noise to _stop_.

He kneels down, grabbing a piece of glass from the floor. He looks at it, a partial and broken reflection looking back at him with frantic eyes.

_YOURFAULTYOURFAULTYOURFAULTYOURFAULT_

"Your fault-all your fault," he gasped, staring at the glass.

Slowly, he pressed it to his skin, sinking down to his knees as he dragged it across.

The skin separated fast underneath the jagged glass. Droplets formed fast, mixing together with every drag of the mirror. The hurt was so much. The burn was so _nice_. He couldn't feel anything other than the _pain_.

He needed the way that in that moment, as it had so many times before, nothing was more pressing that the need to _destroy_ himself.

He had control. So much _control._ One flick of the wrist and he could leave a mark that was _all him_. One movement and he could press it even deeper - make an even bigger mess all because _he_ wanted too. It was all him now. Nothing else but pain, and all because of _his_ choice.

Eddward's mind was numb, everything a blur and he _craved_ it. He climbed the stairs, dripping thick blood as he went. He made his was to the bathroom, falling on the floor next to the sink. He deserved the pain. He couldn't even drag himself up to wash away the blood. He was too tired. _It's all my fault,_ he whispered as his mind engulfed him in unconsciousness.

But it was quiet again, and he had control.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still prefer to state, that when I choose to write these chapter, I in no way aim to romanticise nor make light of the actions. I know it may not be very well written, but from my experience, it's hard to think about what's going through your head at a time like that.


	24. Red Glass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also warning for more distressing stuff. Take care, please.

Nazz was still sniffling quietly by the time she and Tyler left Kevin's hospital room. Of course, the ginger hadn't moved at all. Neither she nor Tyler spoke a single word as they drove to Eddward's house. Nazz feared she may start to cry again if she did. And Tyler? Well, he was just sad, and never one to handle his emotions well. So he opted for silence too. The place was dark when they arrived, and they exchanged a look.

"Do you think he's okay?" Nazz asked, quiet and hesitant. There was still a tinge of shakiness to her words.

"I don't know. I guess we'll find out," Tyler said, smiling gently as he squeezed her shoulder in comfort. She appreciated it, even if it did next to nothing.

They reached Eddward's front door and knocked. No answer. They knocked again. Still nothing. Tyler looked at Nazz, frowning. He reached for the door knob and found it unlocked. Swinging the door open, he and Nazz stepped in. It was dark, but the light from somewhere upstairs was enough to see a little of the hallway.

Nazz took a few steps, something crunching under her sneakers. She looked down.

Tyler looked at her, then down to her feet. "Is that glass?"

"I don't know," she stepped back, flicking on the light. "The mirror," she said, pointing at it.

Tyler looked back at the glass on the ground.

"Eddward," Nazz knelt down, taking a piece of blood covered mirror in her hand. "You didn't," She whispered

They didn't say anything as they moved up the stairs, ignoring the sticky blood that was staining the bottom of the wooden railing. The hallway light wasn't on, but the bathroom one at the top of the stairs.

Their eyes fell on Eddward instantly, slumped on the ground in front of the sink. Nazz gasped as she rushed forward. Tyler was more shocked as he stood in the doorway. She shook Eddward's shoulder, "Edd, Eddward," but he didn't move. His chest stuttered for a second before relaxing back into a steady rhythm. She was silent for a moment, before turning to Tyler, tears in her eyes and a lump in her thoat. Her words came out weak. "Can you help me get him to his room?"

He nodded, not trusting himself to talk. Slowly, they carried him to his room. He stirred slightly, mumbling something under his breath. When they had him lying on his bed, Nazz turned back to Tyler. "Can you grab me a wash cloth?"

Tyler nodded, returning a moment later, wash cloth in hand. "Here," he said quietly, handing it to her.

"Thank you," she breathed. Putting the damp cloth to Eddward's arm, she wiped parallel to the wounds she could not yet see.

Eddward groaned slightly, opening his eyes slightly at the pain. He blinked a few times, looking around, eyes cold and empty. He hissed slightly.

Nazz looked at him, tears brimming her already eyes again, "Stay still, Eddward," she urged, gentle and quiet.

Eddward looked at the ceiling above him, zoning out as Nazz continued to wipe away the dried blood that clung to his wounds.They weren't deep, but blood always seemed to stretch a long way.

Tyler stood there, watching Nazz wipe away the red mess. She looked back at Eddward, the boy still staring at something far away. "There. All done." She let go of his arm, and he slowly pulling it back onto his stomach.

He sat up, gazing down at his arm. The blood was gone, leaving the fresh cuts revealed. The sting it had caused was fading, the burning was cooling down. He was no longer numb, and it hurt. It hurt so much. Running his fingers over the raised lines, Eddward longed for the burn and the pain and the numbness to return to him, to cloud his mind and all the pain it held. He dug his nails into his skin and dragged them over the wounds, separating the flesh back up. Nazz cried out and grabbed his arm, holding her hands over the re-opened wound as the blood started to flow again. Eddward tried to fight and pull out of her grip but couldn't. He was so tired, and so weak. Tyler moved next to Eddward, grabbing his other arm, holding him still. Silently but frantically, Nazz handing Tyler Eddward's other wrist to hold him still. All Tyler could do was hold his still as the boy began to mutter under his breath, "My fault, my fault, my fault."

Nazz returned, holding a first aid box in her shaking hands. She knelt down next to Eddward, taking out disinfectant and bandages. Re-cleaning the wounds, Nazz bound his arm with a white bandage and gauze, trying her best not to cry as Eddward's words carried on in his nightmare-like delirium.

Eddward's own eyes had silent tears trailing from them down his cheeks.

_BetterOffDeadBetterOffDeadBetterOffDeadBetterOffDeadBetterOffDeadBetterOffDeadBetterOffDeadBetterOffDeadBetterOffDeadBetterOffDeadBetterOffDead_

When she was finished, Nazz tugged the boy down to lay back on the bed, brushing her hand through his hair in an attempt to sooth him further. His eyes were already closed, but she could still see the dark circles under then, evidence of his extensive exhaustiveness. Tyler sat at the end of the bed, watching the display with sorrowed eyes. He was just as lost as Nazz.

It was thirty minutes before Eddward relaxed just enough against Nazz's side for her to release her own exhausted breath. He unconsciously nuzzled into her shoulder as the blonde raked her hand though his hand again.

"What are we gonna do?" Tyler asked from his place at the end of the bed.

Nazz looked at him, making out Tyler's face in the gently lit room. "About what?"

"About Edd. What are we gonna do?"

"I don't know."

It was silent for a moment, before Tyler asked the question he'd had on the tip of his tongue ever since he watched her clean away Eddward's pain. "How many times have you done this?"

Nazz cleared her throat before speaking, willing away any chance of her voice breaking. "To this extent, just once. But even then it wasn't that bad. Other times he'd done this, we'd only found out after." She raked her hand through his hair again, fingers dancing over his scar. It was calming her too, she noticed. "Before he came along, I can't really imagine how many times this happened alone."

"How long has he been like...this?" He was hesitant to ask, but he felt like he needed too.

"I don't know. He was always good at hiding how he was feeling. He hated...disappointing people I guess. Hated worrying them. But-uh," she cleared her throat again. "After Ed and Eddy split away from him, he told me he...he just gave up completely. They were the most important thing to him, and they just left him behind," she swallowed hard. Silence overtook the room for a while before she spoke again, but Tyler didn't push her. "Maybe if Kevin and I had...I don't know. Maybe if we'd been closer to him sooner, he wouldn't be this bad."

"Maybe if I hadn't done what I did, he wouldn't be this bad," Tyler laughed quietly, the sound guilty and pained even to his own ears.

"It's not your fault," Nazz hushed. But they both knew that there were a few marks _carved_ into the skin on Eddward's arm that were because of him and his friends.

"I-I'm sorry," the boy beside her whispered, startling Nazz.

She gasped slightly. "E-Edd. Did we wake you?"

"It's my fault," he breathed. "S'all my fault." His voice was slurred, not completely free of sleep.

"No, no, no," she whispered, fingers raking through his hair again and again while her other arm held him tight by the waist. "It's not, it's not."

Eddward didn't answer again, and Nazz loosened her hold on him just a little. But she didn't dare let go.

"This is why he needs us, Tyler," Nazz whispered. "He's been fighting this alone for so long and this is how he copes. He told me it helps. He said it made everything numb when he was feeling too much. I don't get it, but I don't want him to have to do that anymore."

"How do we make him stop?"

"I don't know." Eddward shifted again and buried his face into her neck, curling up into himself. "First, we just need to let him know we care about him a hell of a lot. Let him know we're here, and we're not just going to leave him behind."

Tyler hummed before standing up from the bed. "I'll sleep on the lounge, okay?"

"There's a spare room down the hall. Use that." Nazz yawned gently. "And Tyler," she called. He turned from the doorway, hand on the frame. "Thank you."

Tyler smiled tiredly, disappearing down the hall. Nazz rolled to her side just a little more, not at all bothered by the way Eddward's breath landed against her neck, or the way he'd occasionally twitch his fingers as he slept against her side.

No, she didn't mind. Because when he was that close, she knew he was safe.


	25. Morning

It was morning in the cul de sac, and the wind seemed extra fierce and cold.  It seemed somewhat well matched given the mood of the Vincent house. An entire day had passed since Eddward's haunting night, and he'd done little more than eat and drink. He'd spoken few words, and only when prompted. Tyler left only for half a day, then returned with a change of clothes and a backpack. Nazz didn't try to leave his side at all. 

The two stayed silent that morning, making breakfast. The floor creaked above them, Eddward appearing down the stairs a moment later, hobbling towards them.

Nazz looked at him, kindness in her eyes. "Good morning."

"Good morning," he mumbled back. Nazz smiled. It was a difference.

"Breakfast is almost done. Take a seat," Tyler gestured to the chair beside him.

Eddward did so, quietly and gently. "Thank you."

The three ate breakfast, Tyler and Nazz trying to lift the mood by chatting of trivial things. Eddward didn't eat all his meal but neither Nazz or Tyler pushed him too. Late morning approached fast.

"I'm going to call the hospital," Nazz said quietly, moving towards her phone. She left the room, leaving Eddward and Tyler alone.

"How you doin Edd?" Tyler asked, feeling stupid as soon at the words left him mouth. _How do you think he's doing, stupid?_ Tyler scolded himself.

"I...I am fine Tyler. I understand that what I did the other night was stupid and irrational-"

"It's okay, Edd. So...don't apologise," Tyler put his hand on Eddward's shoulder for a moment to accentuate his point.

"I will overcome this just as I always do." He looked up from his half drunken coffee.

"But you don't need to overcome it by yourself," Tyler said, staring back. "And with Kevin...I know for a fact that he wont blame you for what happened. Even if you blame yourself," he finished, speaking reassuringly.

"I'm just... _scared_ ," Eddward whispered.

"I know. But thing's will work out. Karma's got a lot to make up for, for ya."

"I...I really hope so."

It was silent for a moment. They could hear Nazz's voice in the background, but neither could distinguish. "Why do you do it?" He ripped off the band aid, deciding not to dance around the topic like they had for the last day.

Eddward faltered.

"Was it...just because of what happened to Kevin or was it...something else?" Part of Tyler didn't _want_ to know. But he pressed on.

"I...I-uh..." Eddward looked at his hands. "It was...b-because of what...Lucas s-said..."

"What did he say?" Tyler looked confused.

"A-After he hurt Kevin...after he kicked you...he tried to kick Kevin in the stomach but I...I stopped him and...then Nazz and the other came to help and he...he said to me..." The words threatened to get caught in Edd's throat. "He said it was my fault...he said that if I'd just...taken things like a man then nothing like...this would have happened. Said I was a leech. A parasite. He said-"

"Eddward it's okay. You don't need to finish," Tyler interrupted, pulling Eddward's eyes back from his lap to look at him. "I shouldn't have asked, I just...I'm sorry. That's the stuff you were saying in the hospital room, right?"

Eddward nodded slightly, looking away again. "I...I've told myself those...things...for years, but somehow...it...it hurt more hearing it from...someone else," he said, only just keeping his voice steady enough to finish.

Tyler didn't know what to say, staying quiet for a while. Finally he spoke. "Can I...ask something else?"

"Yes?"

"Why do you do it? Like in general. Why do you...hurt yourself? I know why you did this time but...how does it...help?" He scratched his neck. "I'm sorry I'm so...pushy about it. Nazz told me a few things but...I don't..." He sighed, trailing off. He shouldn't have asked.

Eddward didn't answer for a while, just sitting there. After god knows how long, he spoke, his words shaking slightly, obviously having trouble with forming his thoughts into an answer. "It helps, it-it...It makes me numb. It burn-hurts...but it-it's a pain that I control. When I do it, it...numbs me and all I can feel is-is... _that_. All I can feel is the sting and everything else is numb. It's something I can control," he trailed off, looking down, wiping his face with his sleeves. "No matter how many times I...explain it, it...it's still confusing. Even to myself."

"Is that why you did it the other night? Because you wanted to be...numb? Because you didn't want to...feel...Lucas' words?" He wasn't going to pretend he understood. But asking was a way he could try too. At least a little bit.

"I did. I needed to feel like I was in control. My head-my thoughts, were too loud. And I couldn't control it. And it was all too much. So I," he trailed off again, fighting with his sleeves.

Tyler tried to change the mood, knocking his hand on Eddward's cast leg. He asked, "When do you get this off?"

Eddward looked back up at Tyler, taking the opportunity to change the pace of the conversation. "The doctor said he can get it off on..." he stopped, swallowing back the rest of his tears, "Friday."

Nazz returned from the other room, phone in hand.

Tyler looked at Nazz. "Did you speak to the Doctor?"

"Yeah. Kevin woke up about an hour ago," she frowned.

"I thought they were gonna call us when he did?" Tyler looked back at her, confused.

"I know," she sighed, frustration and worry clear.

"C-Can we go visit him now?" Eddward stuttered from his seat.

"Of course Double Dee. Go get ready." Nazz smiled.

Eddward hobbled away and out of sight up the stairs, leaning against the railing as he did.

Nazz looked back at Tyler. "Do you think he'll handle it? Seeing Kevin, I mean?"

"I honestly don't have a clue. Only one way to find out though," Tyler replied, standing up and grabbing his jacket from the lounge.

"I guess there is." 

Eddward's stomach filled with anxiety at he changed his clothes and found his things. He was anxious of the outcome, and the only one he could focus on, was not good. But he got ready anyway, because he knew he couldn't move on till it was over. 

At the very least, he needed to apologise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some more self harm talk from my own head. I'm sorry if you don't understand, but at the same time, I am glad.
> 
> Stay safe.


	26. I'll Catch You

The drive to the hospital was tense. Eddward was beyond nervous, and Nazz and Tyler could feel that like a wave. The white walls they walked along stretched on forever, the smell of disinfectant and clinical cleanliness only reminding Eddward of his last stay in the horrid place. Soon enough, they stopped at a closed door. Kevin's room. 

"Are you ready, Edd?" Nazz asked gently, looking at the boy beside him who was currently looking _quite_ pale.

He nodded, his stomach fluttering like it was filled with poisonous butterflies.

"Do you wanna wait a minute?" Tyler inquired.

"N-No I...I don't know," he answered.

"We'll go inside but...don't push yourself. It'll all be okay." Nazz smiled, reaching for Eddward's shaking hand.

Tyler opened the door and the three walked in, Nazz leading Eddward behind her with their intertwined fingers. The room was cold. A single bed sat in the centre of the room, machines of all sorts next to either side of it, beeping quietly. In the centre of the bed laid Kevin, cords still running off of him. His eyes were open, a welcome change from the days before. The ginger smiled

"Hey there Kev," Nazz smiled.

"Hey, man," Tyler said, a smile on his face as well.

"Hey guys," Kevin greeted back. He noticed Eddward, standing behind the other two with his head down. "Dee?"

Eddward flinched a little.

Kevin sighed internally. When he'd woken up, he'd first became aware of the pain in his gut. When the nurses told his what had happened, he'd been a little shocked. Everything was blank from the past few days, like there was just a gap in his memory that was beyond blurry. Soon enough though, he remembered his last day of consciousness. The day he'd fought with Lucas. The events kept playing in his head over and over and over like a broken record, and he became so _angry_ at himself for not hitting Lucas again while he was down. But it was the things after that, that angered him most. It has hazy, and what he remembered was broken, like a picture torn up and he only had the corner, but he could see Eddward, hunched over him with tears in his eyes while he pressed his hands over his stomach. He could see Eddward next to him, taking a kick from Lucas before he was atop him, pressing that damned blade against his face, pinning his arms away and making his call out in pain. It was all just _Eddward, Eddward, Eddward_. 

Eddward.

The boy that started this. The boy that was broken and battered and bruised and just needed someone to _care_. The boy who was _so_ sad but always tried to put others first. The boy who didn't deserve the things he got, but survived anyway. 

The boy he'd do anything for.

The boy he wanted to keep safe. 

The boy he cares about _so much_.

And now here he was again, that boy, hiding behind his friends with his head downcast like he was guilty.

It pained Kevin so much.

"Eddward?"

Nazz withdrew her hand from the boys grip. "Edd," she whispered.

The two moved aside, giving Kevin a full view of the boy. Kevin tried again. "Dee, can you come over here? Please?"

Eddward stayed still for a minute before shuffling towards Kevin's side, keeping his head down. He stopped next to the ginger boy.

Kevin looked to Nazz and Tyler, motioning to the bandage peeking out from under Eddward's sleeve. Nazz nodded, Tyler looking down to his feet. "Dee...sit here," Kevin said, patting the spot on the bed beside him.

He looked up at Nazz and Tyler again, silently asking them to give them time alone. They nodded, closing the door quietly behind them.

"Dee?" Kevin tried again. When he got no answer, he took the boys shoulders in his hands and turned him to face his direction. "Dee, this...isn't your fault."

Eddward shook more, still looking down, "Lucas...s-said it was," he whispered.

"No Eddward. Lucas in the one who caused this. Not you."

"B-But you could have...y-you almost...d- _died_ ," he continued to whisper, his words becoming more broken. "I-It was m-my...f-fault...it w-was my fault." Eddward looked up into Kevin's eyes, shaking his head.

Kevin watched the way his tears were falling down his cheeks, and the way his shoulders shook slightly in his hands. The cut on his jaw caught his eye, and his hand went up to it without thinking. He ran his thumb over it, wiping his tears with the other.

"Dee," Kevin whispered.

"N-No!" Eddward shot up, Kevin's hands falling away from him as he did. "This is my fault. This is all my fault." His words were far stronger in his sudden anger, and it hurt Kevin to know my much to possessed towards _himself._ "You should be mad at me or resent me or _something_ instead of trying to make me feel better. Maybe Lucas is the one who hit you, bit _I_ made you fight!" Eddward tugged at his hair as he yelled at Kevin. "I made you do it. I made him hurt _you_ because he was trying to hurt _me_. If you'd just left me alone, I'd be laying there, not you!"

"It's not your fault," he simply stated, grabbing Eddward's hand as it swing down from tugging at his hair.

"Why can't you just me _mad_ at me," he whispered, words gruff and harsh from his constricting throat.

"Because you don't deserve it. I could never be mad at you."

"But it was my fault. It was-It was me. It was m-my fault y-you almost...almost-" Eddward's words cracked entirely.

Kevin pulled Eddward back onto the bed and into his chest, hugging his head under his chin. "It's not," he whispered gently. "It could never be your fault. Never ever. You're too caring and gently and loving to ever be at fault for something like this. This was his fault." Eddward's hands clutched Kevin's hospital gown, and he shook his head against his chest. Kevin only held him tighter, running one hand through his hair in a soothing manner while the other run up and down his spine. He pressed his face against his hair, whispering again. "Not yours. Never yours." 

There was silence for a few minutes, nothing more than Eddward's small cries. 

"I won't let you fall again," Kevin murmured into Eddward's hair as the boy cried himself into unconsciousness. "You're not alone."

And if Eddward fell asleep against Kevin's chest from crying too hard, that wasn't his fault either.

 

Kevin only spent another month in the hospital after the incident, and was more than ready to leave once he was cleared. Nazz would say she was only glad he could leave so he would stop whining about the hospital food. The ginger often gave Eddward his jelly cups, mumbling about how he didn't like orange flavoured food.

Eddward never charged Lucas and the other boys over the first incident, but due to the second one regarding Kevin and Tyler, charges were still laid. Aggravated assault with a deadly weapon. Lucas pleaded insanity, but was ultimately denied. The other two were charged along with him. The female from the junk yard was never identified.

 

After graduation, just as they always seem to do, things changed. Life went on, and with it the people who lived it. 

 

"You think you'll like the city?" Kevin asked Eddward as he helped put the last box in the small moving truck. 

"I don't know. But it poses more opportunity than this place, for sure." He laughed. He did that more these days. 

"I'll miss ya, Dee." Kevin stepped forward and wrapped his arms around the other boy. They'd both grown in height, but the ginger shot up a lot more than the other. 

Eddward smiled and returned the hug. "I'll miss you too, Kevin. But I'm only a phone call away. Just...try not to let life get in between that, yes?"

They pulled back, and Kevin smiled again. "I'll try. But you know I'm hopeless."

Eddward laughed again, fuller this time, his eyes crinkling just a little.

They both knew that life would probably do just that, but they confided in the fact that it didn't take away from the past. That could never be changed.Something so powerful and life shaping could never be forgotten. 

Kevin walked the boy to the passenger side of the truck. "Kevin?"

"Hmm?"

Eddward looked him in the eyes completely, conveying every emotion he held at that moment. Nothing hidden. "Thank you."

"What for?" Kevin tilted his head a little.

"Everything."

Clarity filled his thoughts, and he smiled again. He put his hand on the shorter boy's head, over the beanie he still wore every day. "I promised, didn't I?"

 

_That I'd catch you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please read the next note, if you would be so kind. It's sort of a wrap up. Thank you so very very much for reading this!!


	27. Thank you so much!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know this isn't really a chapter, but please read me.

Salutations. THIS NOTE IS REALLY LONG AND I'M SORRY!! but please read, my friends~

 

First off, I want to apologise on the fact that I recently deleted the two books in this series. I re uploaded after a couple of messages. To be frank with you all, I don't entirely like this work of mine. But if was my first 'actual' work, and I guess it's normal to hate that. I want to also say, that I did not create the plot for the fandom. I just chose a fandom that kind of fit, not that it matters.

My aim when I first wrote this book back in 2015, was to create something involving things that were meaningful for me. I'll be the first to admit, this book was, and is, clumsy, possible brash (and trash lol) and quite fast. Although I did a re-write some time last year, I wanted to leave it like that as a testimony to my terrible writing skills back then. Seriously...it is terrible. I mean I wrote the original in one month.

I am not a secretive person, and I will be the first to say that I have a long standing relationship with mental illness and instability, both from myself and those around me. I have been effected by it a lot and I'll simply leave it at that I have a lot of issues I'm still trying to sort out.

You see, in novels and even movies (not limited to fanfiction) I see mental health and self harming sort of romanticised or not portrayed properly. I'm not saying I did it right either, with my limited skill. I agree that it is also very difficult to romanticise the idea of getting help, without stepping over the line. It's a difficult situation all around.

Over all, this story line was loosely based around my own past, less the physical bulling and friends being injured. My issues stem from other things, like violent family members and psychologically abusive people, but I'll say this. My self harm and increased mental instability definitely was impacted on by things like social isolation by those in my grade in school, and lack of a connection to the people who mattered to me. It was messy.

In regards to the self harming, as I noted in some of the chapters, it was more or less taken directly from my own experience, although it is slightly dramatised due to the fact that in the moment, things are far more messy and near impossible to understand. Either that or at times, entirely too calm and logical given the action.

It's hard to explain, and I am glad if you do not have a personal understanding. 

Mental illness, and by expansion self harming, is not a beautiful thing. It's not pretty. It can come in the form of lack of hygiene and sleeping for days on end because it hurts too much to be awake. It can be over eating or not eating at all, or not talking. It can be small things, that feel like the heaviest things in the world. It's horrible for all of those involved.

It is not something that you should _ever_ be ashamed of though. Never. It's a part of who you are. Having it, whether it be anxiety, bipolar, schizophrenia, ptsd, or anything else, makes you strong, especially when dealing with it alone. Whether you have a formal diagnosis or not. And just because you fall down sometimes, doesn't make you weak. Even if you feel it. It makes you strong because you can get back up again, no matter how long it takes, be that with help or alone. 

So please, if you are someone who read this who has mental illnesses in _any_ form, don't forget that you are strong. And you are more than just how you feel.

I also want to thank 'love4521dixie' on wattpad for the help back when I was first writing this.

**I'm going to be a promo whore and tell you about the book I'm writing now called 'Lovely Souls'. It is posted on both this and my Archive of Our Own (by the same name). I'm actually pretty proud of it so far, with it's more complex story line and character arcs.  
**

Thank you again, everyone. For reading and the support you offered my without even knowing it. 

Stay safe. And stay alive.


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